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Leaving milestone 2009 to start 2010 seems to be nothing but a change in he calendar for me this time round, many of the challenges has yet come to a siesta point, not to mention drawing to a end or even anywhere close bah...

Every year is a year of change, and now i know the year 2008 was really a pre-prep time for 2009, where dramatic changes occur... This day last year, i said " Come what may, i am ready..." And true enough, like pass ghosts they raised themselves back towards me, demanding true resolutions to issues... issues that were place aside on borrowed time. Passing of family and relatives, the estranged relationships with relatives, purpose of Life & living, switching careers etc... its more than a handful. Years before i was told i need to spare a thought for my family, then i was told i am selfish; there is so much i have to come to terms with, confront with myself before anything can be resolved. Even with 6 months gone, i guess only 1% is processing... i really do wonder if it can be successfully completed... Its going to take a pretty long while...

Something did slightly change this time, at least this time i have a list of things to be done this year with all signs of fulfilling it... Sincerity to the extend that plans has been made with specific time frames, reading up on psychology books... starting with psychology for dummies... LOL... dun wanna splurge money on something i cannot complete lah...

Not sure if i have changed or i will change, i'll leave it for ppl ard me to tell me... but i do want to stop struggling between choices, and having to make a "i can only choose 1 decisions". I'm not looking to be the me i was 10 years ago, i'm looking to be something even BETTER than that. I look forward to 2011.

Goodbye Doulos

"Doulos on her final journey" a headline that had caught me by surprised; It was a vessel where many of us dreamed of joining when we come to age. Sadly, it was forgotten the moment we graduated, as we scamper to look for a job which turned to career building. She is a one of a kind vessel, more than a floating bookstore, more than bringing literary to many parts of the world, it also carried hope and gospel to many in the days where iron curtains were raised in Russia, China and Vietnam. It was also a training ground for many youths, who learnt lessons that became part of them.

It was our Sec 3 days, where one of our assistant cell leader announced her absence for 6 months, as she was going to serve on board Doulos. And that was our first encounter with the vessel. The day before she sailed, she invited us to board the vessel and look around. It was a carrier of amazing stories and testimonies of how lives were changed in one way or another. For the young and bold, our cell were bursting with excitements. Little did we expect that, 4 years down the road all these were but smoke...

傻瓜走的路

A sudden moment of me sitting-in a meeting chairing by my sub-consciousness, gave me a little encouragement:

It was some nerves i had when i told God 2009 is the year where i was ready to have things to be resolved, where i was ready to face what i couldn't before. Things may seem worse now, but it really isn't . Before any wound can start to heal, it first has to be cleanse. Adding salt to wound may seem to be torturous, but its still a primitive cleansing and disinfecting methodology.

Many a times, there are many easier ways to do things painlessly and more effectively and this is no exception. I can no longer rem what happened in 2008 for me to recall for such bravery, opting for the salt treatment, but i do remember that this was the only way to truly resolve everything and not burying it in some forest and flee into another land.

It had been a torment since the day i ever played with the idea, but it was worth the resignation letter becos it was not simply make a move to change my working environment or a career move but dealing with with things that matters, allowing me to move on. I am still struggling, and wringing in pain, but its worth it.

Funerals

News of 2 funerals of distant relatives in a span of 3 days, alarmingly high...

My grandma's grief let lose everyone's tear gates, and my role was to keep the smiles and spirits high... once again, when the 4 of us gathers, we were like kids in single digit age.. :) 大哥 was slow but warmed up eventually, 二哥 is still the best cos he is always coming to my rescue when Chow bullies me... The 3 brothers all in their own ways, and are still our fav playmates in younger days and in these days where we all have already hit our thirties.

PS. DARN! 二哥's twin dotz called me 姑姑... :P

It really doesnt feel like Christmas......

AVATAR

After failing to catch the movie of choice, AVATAR was the obvious choice. I remembered tell a friend that this was an environmentalist movie, after catching its trailer @ GV Plaza. And i was right, but i did not expect to feel shaken after the movie.

I'm not going to tell u the story of the movie, cos u can watch it or read the synopsis... no point me writing about it... i'm not the writer of the script.

I do have to say the scale and the cinematography sent my mind racing between the Hanging Garden of Babylon & Garden of Eden. There is a storyline not that its not unpredictable, but with the graphics, it definitely grabbed our attention and glues our sight to the big screen. I see Nature vs Modern, one fighting to advance and the other fighting to keep and balance. The call for revolution to keep and protect the natural world, a big movie propaganda to go pro-environment.

Everything else was huge, to show how small humans are. They also show how destructive we are unless we convert ourselves to learn and live the ways the original humans who had began to live. The movie does scares me a little bit, religion scents are evident throughout... concepts of maintaining a balance is strangely similar to Ying and Yang in Taoism, then there is subtle note of environmentalist becoming a religion of it own. Remembering revelations in the bible, the one who unite the world might just very well be the chair person who uses environmental conservations as his winning tiles to gain respect and power from all...

This is a time of uncertain waters...