I can't recall who it was, but the phrase "what if" came up...
Instinctively, I retorted that phrase in an absolute disgust. No disrespect for the person, it was jus the phrase I had come to dislike...
But here today my heart sank by the mind full of thoughts... Of all the chaos, the word "useless" came out in bold and stood out in a camera focus style. The mind froze for a split second to recall the first origin of this word that had secretly seeded itself to burst out tonight on me like tat... Following after was a "oh... ya... Ok" before the tsunami of dismay attempts to drown me.
Then the presences of IF made its entrance...
If only I had been more successful, if I was any capable, if... If only... If...
It's a slightly different word, but it's spirit is the same... I believe it's retaliating ?.?
Regardless, I thank God for the sound mind... The sound mind that responded "but all you have now is already amazing, considering the fact that it has come so effortlessly." Such wise words enlightened me and it must be penned down, as would a Jewish individual who build monuments to remember their encounter with God or even the slightest blessings they received.
Lord, I believe... I know... You love my mummy, more than I do in a million zillion fold... You can and have done wonderful things for her... I pray you continue to do so... I am worthless, useless, incapable, and there is nothing I can do for her to make her feel better... I know Lord, you can! Only u can understand her thoughts emotions and needs, only u can address those wounds and hurts, only u can make things right... Only you Lord, only you! I commit her into you hands, take care of her, bless her... I only want her to be happy... Nothing else means more than that to me... In the most precious name of my Lord Jesus Christ, Amen.
