陪我聊一聊

你有说过如果想要找人聊聊，自己会找得到适合的听众 。可是，我真得找不到。。。找朋友逛街吃饭看电影，往往是他们向我吐露心事，说他们的烦恼； 在这样的情况下，你说我开得了口吗？即使找到人后，我想我也开不了口。。。

莲常常抱怨我有事不找她，她常常生我的气，因为她觉得我不信任她。但我难过的心情，我真的不知道怎么说。。。现在的我开口前，眼泪就不自觉地流下。近期的我不比以前了，可能是极限到了吧，眼泪已不再受控制了。

我已经把自己逼到这儿了，我看不到前方的路，也不知道那路是哪儿；但这一切并非我担心的，我担心的是自己真的已变成朽木。。。 朽木不可雕的雕，再怎么努力，怎么逼迫自己也无法。。。。。。

难过

难过，

难过，

难过，

难过，

难过，

难过，

难过，

说不出的痛 真的好辛苦， 大家都好辛苦

难过地喘不过气来，或许 可能。。。

My reply to Substation

Good day!

My apologies on a day's late reply to your email, i felt that i had to show some sincerity and responsibility to honestly ponder and answer your questions,
thus the delay.

I first heard of Substation was many years ago, when my school had participated in a theatric and stage management course. Although i can no longer remember the people i met, but the impression of wanting to be involve with theatric works was strong. On seeing the hiring ad, i thought it would be good to revive some of the childhood dream to be part of the Substation. I do understand that the Substation is beyond theatre works, and i felt that it is a good opportunity to get introduced into Arts and learn new things in a all new arena.

It has always been in my plans to move on from an engineering scope of work, to a more people oriented position. Generally, i love to do aliasing and coordination works, meeting different people and getting to know them and their needs. I do not have any academical knowledge or experience in marketing, but i have 101% commitment to give, especially when my passion meeting new challenges to overcome.

Thank you for the heads up on the salary, to be real frank, i had expected a pay cut but not that low though. Nevertheless, i say to you, tell me what can i do help make that change sooner. :) I would love the chance to make a difference.

Have a good week ahead!

Cheerz,
June Lim.

Shit happens

As i ponder over my day of not so ideal events, the term "shit happens" came...

The unbearable noise of renovations and drilling that will drive u nuts is more than enuff to make u want to check into MIH on yr own. Following with a series of places u had to try before finding a place to rest yr feets and drink some water and yet not being able to do anything. I shall rem to charge my lappy everyday, @ least i can go library for wireless SG; all power points are hogged by ppl in starbucks or any place with decent table and chairs. Then coming home to find the $3k+ lappy be stuck in a endless loop of startup and black screen is like the toppings of a very bad cake...
BUT STILL! I dun think these are shits... jus unpleasant experiences...

Besides, shitting shld be a daily thing, so shit happens... well... daily!

:X

Desktop

The world is like yr user desktop,
when in e hands of evil
dun think w world can b any where beautiful.

In yr hands, u call e shots.

收回！

把眼泪收回！一点眼泪也不许掉，不许滴！

不是骄傲，不是坚强， 什么也不是

我承认我并不是什么好人， 我只是一个骨子里 暗地里莫名的倔强

有什么时候眼泪能解决得了问题？

没有！最后只有两个选择：

1。 翻脸到底就为一口气，为她误会我而道歉

2。 和以往一样 若无其事地让它过去， 当从来也没发生过；把那口冤气当药吞回去

我一直在想，如果我自私一点，可能这一切就不会发生的；

至少不会让我看到他掉眼泪，也更不会是我惹她生气

好心做坏事好像是我的“特色”， 一个挥不掉 赶不去的 “特色”

不完美的人生 我理解 也尽力完美化

我真的有很尽力， 不论是自己或是身边的人，我能给的我都给了

真的。。。 我也已经空了

现在，我只剩不服输的倔强

所以，更加不能掉泪。。。 一定要把眼泪收回去！

damn… my Chinese suck…

当事者和旁观者本来就不一样，看到的感受的迷惑的都有一定的差别，所以当自己从当事者的身份被调换成旁观者时 会一再的提醒自己把那张嘴管好。可是，有时候真的替对方紧张到非跳出来不可。。。

她一直在转牛角尖，一直在圆圈里绕；像是被蒙上了双眼底一直走。明明就可以把眼罩拿掉， 但嘴里一直在念没有光看不见。。。

而你

今天又掉眼泪了，你哭着说你没有办法相信“爱”了，因为上一段感情失败也述说了你的失败。。。 更证明了“爱”这东西是假象。

我问你：一段感情，爱情只需要一个人 就能秤的起来吗？

Example: A relationship is like a car, and love is like the fuel. Going into a relationship is like getting into a car, and hoping to progress to a different place. But for the car to move, fuel is required. The max capacity each of you is able to carry is only 100%, and the car has a fuel requirement of 200%. If only 1 of you is give your all to the car/relationship, the car can only move that far. And soon you find both the car & yrself no longer have any fuel left for either.

If both parties are giving their 100%, and still the car is not moving, it only means that either the car/relationship is faulty, or the type of fuel from either party is not correct. A car with fuel mixed with petrol and diesel will die eventually, not becos the fuel is a myth, but becos of incompatibility.

U cannot say blame the fuel if the car is not working the way you want ah!

 

And there is you, stop complaining about the government, complaining about your friends, about company, can u stop short yr gap for 1 min? So all your options are shit, still… u made the choice to stay put so shut up and think wat u want, then go find ways to get wat u wan. Here’s a tip, complaining doesnt help u get what u want; State yr requests to the right person and work it out lor! At the rate you going, u’r heading for doom!

 

Damn… my English sucks too…..

Log check?

Leaving milestone 2009 to start 2010 seems to be nothing but a change in he calendar for me this time round, many of the challenges has yet come to a siesta point, not to mention drawing to a end or even anywhere close bah...

Every year is a year of change, and now i know the year 2008 was really a pre-prep time for 2009, where dramatic changes occur... This day last year, i said " Come what may, i am ready..." And true enough, like pass ghosts they raised themselves back towards me, demanding true resolutions to issues... issues that were place aside on borrowed time. Passing of family and relatives, the estranged relationships with relatives, purpose of Life & living, switching careers etc... its more than a handful. Years before i was told i need to spare a thought for my family, then i was told i am selfish; there is so much i have to come to terms with, confront with myself before anything can be resolved. Even with 6 months gone, i guess only 1% is processing... i really do wonder if it can be successfully completed... Its going to take a pretty long while...

Something did slightly change this time, at least this time i have a list of things to be done this year with all signs of fulfilling it... Sincerity to the extend that plans has been made with specific time frames, reading up on psychology books... starting with psychology for dummies... LOL... dun wanna splurge money on something i cannot complete lah...

Not sure if i have changed or i will change, i'll leave it for ppl ard me to tell me... but i do want to stop struggling between choices, and having to make a "i can only choose 1 decisions". I'm not looking to be the me i was 10 years ago, i'm looking to be something even BETTER than that. I look forward to 2011.

Goodbye Doulos

"Doulos on her final journey" a headline that had caught me by surprised; It was a vessel where many of us dreamed of joining when we come to age. Sadly, it was forgotten the moment we graduated, as we scamper to look for a job which turned to career building. She is a one of a kind vessel, more than a floating bookstore, more than bringing literary to many parts of the world, it also carried hope and gospel to many in the days where iron curtains were raised in Russia, China and Vietnam. It was also a training ground for many youths, who learnt lessons that became part of them.

It was our Sec 3 days, where one of our assistant cell leader announced her absence for 6 months, as she was going to serve on board Doulos. And that was our first encounter with the vessel. The day before she sailed, she invited us to board the vessel and look around. It was a carrier of amazing stories and testimonies of how lives were changed in one way or another. For the young and bold, our cell were bursting with excitements. Little did we expect that, 4 years down the road all these were but smoke...

傻瓜走的路

A sudden moment of me sitting-in a meeting chairing by my sub-consciousness, gave me a little encouragement:

It was some nerves i had when i told God 2009 is the year where i was ready to have things to be resolved, where i was ready to face what i couldn't before. Things may seem worse now, but it really isn't . Before any wound can start to heal, it first has to be cleanse. Adding salt to wound may seem to be torturous, but its still a primitive cleansing and disinfecting methodology.

Many a times, there are many easier ways to do things painlessly and more effectively and this is no exception. I can no longer rem what happened in 2008 for me to recall for such bravery, opting for the salt treatment, but i do remember that this was the only way to truly resolve everything and not burying it in some forest and flee into another land.

It had been a torment since the day i ever played with the idea, but it was worth the resignation letter becos it was not simply make a move to change my working environment or a career move but dealing with with things that matters, allowing me to move on. I am still struggling, and wringing in pain, but its worth it.

Funerals

News of 2 funerals of distant relatives in a span of 3 days, alarmingly high...

My grandma's grief let lose everyone's tear gates, and my role was to keep the smiles and spirits high... once again, when the 4 of us gathers, we were like kids in single digit age.. :) 大哥 was slow but warmed up eventually, 二哥 is still the best cos he is always coming to my rescue when Chow bullies me... The 3 brothers all in their own ways, and are still our fav playmates in younger days and in these days where we all have already hit our thirties.

PS. DARN! 二哥's twin dotz called me 姑姑... :P

It really doesnt feel like Christmas......

AVATAR

After failing to catch the movie of choice, AVATAR was the obvious choice. I remembered tell a friend that this was an environmentalist movie, after catching its trailer @ GV Plaza. And i was right, but i did not expect to feel shaken after the movie.

I'm not going to tell u the story of the movie, cos u can watch it or read the synopsis... no point me writing about it... i'm not the writer of the script.

I do have to say the scale and the cinematography sent my mind racing between the Hanging Garden of Babylon & Garden of Eden. There is a storyline not that its not unpredictable, but with the graphics, it definitely grabbed our attention and glues our sight to the big screen. I see Nature vs Modern, one fighting to advance and the other fighting to keep and balance. The call for revolution to keep and protect the natural world, a big movie propaganda to go pro-environment.

Everything else was huge, to show how small humans are. They also show how destructive we are unless we convert ourselves to learn and live the ways the original humans who had began to live. The movie does scares me a little bit, religion scents are evident throughout... concepts of maintaining a balance is strangely similar to Ying and Yang in Taoism, then there is subtle note of environmentalist becoming a religion of it own. Remembering revelations in the bible, the one who unite the world might just very well be the chair person who uses environmental conservations as his winning tiles to gain respect and power from all...

This is a time of uncertain waters...

2009-11-22

一个人要振作几次才能真正的站起来？

一个人可以振作几次才能成功？

一个人又有几次的机会振作机会，几次的振作精力呢？

我已经不知道自己当初有的能耐到底是确实发生过的事， 或是个幻觉；

也不知道曾经的能耐是否还在。。。

虽然每次的绝境都由上帝意想不到地救赎，

但这一次有让我不断地从窗口往下看

幸福到底是什么？

是一家人出外同游还是两人甜蜜相处？

是饱足一餐还是一杯热乎乎的香浓咖啡？

是高回报率的工作还是拥有一般要好的工作伙伴？

是钱财多多还是青春永驻？

幸福会逗留多久， 它又何时会来？

会是天长地久或是十一分钟？

会长久不散或是不时出现？

会不会来了又走或是走了回不来？

会不会永远都不来或是自己不让它来？

幸福是真的吗？ 它到底存在吗？

你眼前的幸福是真实，还是虚构？

你眼里的幸福和大家一样吗，或是各有所别 ？

你眼看的幸福是是那本人的幸福吗？

你眼看到的 到底是幸福吗？

Guess what i saw in gumtree for sale…

 

Curious

 

SENT:

Hi... am very curious... and alittle too much time on my hand.
So wat do u do exactly?
U travelled ard, from one place to another.
Then u write songs... and u perform?
No offence, just curious.
Anyway, have a good trip to jap...
Hope all be well with you.

Ps. am waiting to read " 10 yrs of Xxxxxx Xxxx"

 

REPLY:

This is my transition year - was working in UNICEF in Geneva until January, and I will be starting my PhD next week in Tokyo.
I spent the year travelling, finishing the master's which i have been doing through distance learning since 2007, and also learning Korean which has been necessary for my research (my research topic is related to the country).
As for the music part - this has been what I have been doing on the side since about 10 years ago.

 

 

LATER ON SAW IN FB:

Xxxxxx Xxxx : if curious, check this place out. i am staying in building B of the residence halls. <URL>

 

 

Note:

Just tot it to be funny to see such coincidence in word use. Nothing more… jus for humor… akaka

Of stories and fairy tales

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who loved stories. Day in day out, she would pester her mum to bring her to the library, her favorite place. She was only 5.

I was that little girl who loved stories. I adored fairy tales, tales of creatures never seen, stories with twists and adventures, and endings were often happy ones. I remembered reading the entire series of fairy tales at my neighborhood library. Needless to say, my mum was impressed, but she never quite understood why i only loved fairy tales.

Then i moved on to bible stories, they were brilliant! It was as if they were fairy tales, but only they were true! The adults around all said that they were real life accounts. I was elated.

It has been many years, but my love for stories never went away. I have been reading, listening and participating in stories of the people around me. And that is truly my passion.

I stumbled onto a blog, its titled “ Stories that matters”. He too was searching for stories, travelling from one place to another, searching and writing the stories along the way. I am impressed; impressed in doing what he does, in continuing to do what he had began. Becos, i had stopped my search. I wanted to in my own story, and no longer in others only.

It seems like a task too difficult, i stopped struggling and feeling despair. But i am not ready to raise the white flag, not really sure what i am going to do now or how things will turn out… I am sure that i will not surrender and resign myself to compromise. I am trying to put away the recent spate of disappointments and unhappiness, the day i am able to speak to my father without coldness would be the day of my success.

Stories

BIG tots... abt "Stories to Tell - travelling tales for all". Then there is this big idea from reading Marien's novel; obsessions of individuals and their resolutions. Of cos, a novel has to have all her characters linked up... and it showed the good old wisdom of removing root before treatment and the price of a fool.

Read the book.







P.s Too much into the book, now in Marien Keyes's Loly Daly mood!

Sulky

its been quite a few days since i have been sulky, and more considering the days of despair.
One week, just one bloody week i gave myself to wallow and pretend i'm on holiday and relax... stayed offline and managed to stick to my book, no internet no tv and not really a huge progress. Nevertheless, still a step... big step for me.

One book down and quite a few more to go!

Scale of ignorance and power

If ignorance is bliss, then knowledge is power... power for change.

To be more specific,
knowledge is unrealized power,
waiting for the moment to evolve into revelation.
Revelation IS the power to be reckon with.

04:21

This moment is 04:21 or 21st September,
This moment came silently and unexpectedly;
I wasn't waiting for it,
nor had i paid any attention to it.
This moment just came, and froze...