Something to start off the new year 2014

鄧紫棋 G.E.M. - 存在_我是歌手第二季 (2014年1月10日)

身体不适

终于明白什么是 "vine & branches" 和 “without Him I can do nothing" ...

迫切地体会到 自己什么也不是，更加明白自己能力有限。。。

严格说，应该是啥能力也没。。。

思绪才刚刚有那么一点点的清晰，

身体却不争气 频频让我没的好过

不能一病再病了！

无论多讨厌多厌烦 一定要有始有终！

不能这样就倒下！ 不能这样就放气！

能力虽有限，但我永远都有选择权！

我不知道什么是对错，也没法分辨是非

更加对办公室政治和研商政策咬牙切齿！

但我要学会放下，不能让它影响。。。

这样才能走得下去。。。

我并不知道要走去哪，走多久，走到啥时。。。

但我知道主您会引导我;

"You are the light to my path, lamp to my feet!"

Here I stand, at the receiving end,

Your goodness and grace they never ends,

Like the vine that giveth life to branches,

You gave me everything!

My reason for existence is to receive all your good gifts in accordance to your riches?

It's that simple?

But what do I do with all these riches?

Share? Everybody?

Show me.

漩涡 🌀

掉进去了，还真的差点爬不出来

老实说 我还不知道爬出来了没

今天那么乱走一通 逼着我动一动 

逼我开口说话关心一下别人的生活和想法

有让脑袋没那么胡思乱想 和砖牛角间。。。

再看看吧。。。 时间会告诉我是否我以得救了。。。

祝福我， 帮我祷告。。。 谢谢

Useless

I can't recall who it was, but the phrase "what if" came up...

Instinctively, I retorted that phrase in an absolute disgust. No disrespect for the person, it was jus the phrase I had come to dislike...

But here today my heart sank by the mind full of thoughts... Of all the chaos, the word "useless" came out in bold and stood out in a camera focus style. The mind froze for a split second to recall the first origin of this word that had secretly seeded itself to burst out tonight on me like tat... Following after was a "oh... ya... Ok" before the tsunami of dismay attempts to drown me.

Then the presences of IF made its entrance...

If only I had been more successful, if I was any capable, if... If only... If...

It's a slightly different word, but it's spirit is the same... I believe it's retaliating ?.?

Regardless, I thank God for the sound mind... The sound mind that responded "but all you have now is already amazing, considering the fact that it has come so effortlessly." Such wise words enlightened me and it must be penned down, as would a Jewish individual who build monuments to remember their encounter with God or even the slightest blessings they received.

Lord, I believe... I know... You love my mummy, more than I do in a million zillion fold... You can and have done wonderful things for her... I pray you continue to do so... I am worthless, useless, incapable, and there is nothing I can do for her to make her feel better... I know Lord, you can! Only u can understand her thoughts emotions and needs, only u can address those wounds and hurts, only u can make things right... Only you Lord, only you! I commit her into you hands, take care of her, bless her... I only want her to be happy... Nothing else means more than that to me... In the most precious name of my Lord Jesus Christ, Amen.

Fearing for my sanity

做了个可怕的噩梦。。。一开始还不知道是在发梦，然后稍微变得有点离奇，一点点吓到。。。再来就是恐惧的巅峰。。。梦里没有鬼怪，也没有恶魔；只有我单纯地展现了精神病的混乱。。。我怕。。。我真的很害怕是真的！

After tots:
The nightmare left me dazed and confused when I woke up... The fear and panic left me breathing as if I had ran a couple of miles, my eyes could not open and was struggling to stay awake in order not to go back to zzz aka same dream...

Something or someone trying to drive me out of my mind? I hope that person isn't myself... No more watching shows like "Perception" or any other of sort that messes with my mind... Best yet, I shall refrain from watching any shows and do more reading/photography/doodling/blogging... I vaguely remember something of like happen previously, after watching too many episodes of criminal minds...

So long there is faith...

Days go by, seasons go by, only the law of constant refuses to just move along and leave us behind... that  change is the only constant.  And may I ask is there anything in the world that I can believe in???

For a long time, the earth was though to be a cube and years later it was again proven it's not? Once doctors were saying eggs are bad for us and we should consume as little as possible, and today? Dietician now advocates an egg a day, as you would have it like the apple...

Facts?  What good are they? Valid for x number of years and then it expires???  Who was it that facts are things proven and unchangeable??? 

MOO -SHIT!!!

I live each day battling... fighting against thoughts that will spiral me out of control...  these days seems like I am getting more weary;  the mind is weak, and every ounce of me left is just holding on to one thing and one thing only - Jesus Christ, loves me...  The Son of God who swop me into Him; in Him I am as who Christ is... As Christ is God's beloved,  so am I in Jesus's name! 

I am beginning to see a little of what God means by a faith as a mustard seed... its between believing and not believing... in this one thing is the comfort & hope that gives the strength to carry in...

So long there is faith...

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What did I do tdy???

療傷先要哭一場

“ 睡到一半 才覺醒療傷先要哭一場 對世界說謊 只把自己哄騙得更慘 ”

只記得當時是開著車子，眼淚不自覺地開始滑下臉頰，不受控制，無非阻擋，不停地流。。。
我才發現放一邊的傷口已經不能再放著了，傷口已惡化，發炎的程度已影響到別人。。。
有点已無法與任何人溝通。。。。。。

三更半夜。。。 想想想。。。想啥啊？

别只说我不乖不听话，我也拿自己没辙啊。。。
心里是多么迫切的想停下来，想要时间能暂停一下

停下了要做啥？
其实我也不知道，只知道自己常常没法跟上这世界的脚步
感觉好想做自己，但又不知道自己是啥样。。。或哪个是自己。。。

好像一直都是这样。。。
记忆中，我也没有什么大的欲望。。。多数是小事，在爸爸妈妈的能力范围之内
拿不到的就也没多想，自己都会想办法把模样改装成能用能玩的。。。

有人说我是一艘快艇，能晨风作浪无穷的潜力
但可惜的是没有目的地，
就因为没有目的地，潜能也是屋用武之地。。。
浪费 浪费

但我真的觉得人生不应该以赚几桶金来做生命的意义！
我也不是想追求单单的幸福，因为它很脆弱
于是我想自己需要的是智慧。。。
只有智慧能告诉我什么是值得追求。。。

在此刻我真心的觉得，值得追求的是只有他！
一艘那么棒的船，没人就等于没有旅程
人会上船通常是为了从A点到B点，
没人用的船就被绑在码头等待下一个的旅程。

所以我的他是耶稣，
因为他爱我，他绝对不会带我到一个伤害我的地方
我相信他，他所做的一切都是为我好！
因为他爱我！

Monuments

I finally understand why ppl in the earlier times erect monuments? I am really blessed to have the opportunity to visit the land where Jesus walked and live, and in most of my sight visits mentions of erecting a physical monument were an outstanding impression. When Jacob was running from Esau, he had a dream and in it God spoke to him. Then there he made a monument and anointed it with oil!

I often thought to myself, if things are that impt, then you naturally wouldn't forget it, else u write it down... Why build a monument ??? Are ppl that forgetful?

The revelation is YES, humans are... At least I know from my own experiences... We can be forgetful and be ungrateful all too easily...

I want to remember God, to be conscious of Him all the time... I was to remember that He cares for me and takes care of me... When I am hungry, He provides me with food, when I am feeling low He gets the radio to play my favorite songs and sends ppl to talk to me. When I feel I am in trouble, He saves me and rectify the situation! Most of all, I want to remember how much He loves me and care for me...

Therefore...

God, thank you for yr love... Yr deep deep love for me! I dun want to forget You or Your love for me or Yr infinite ability/capabilities in an any moment of my life. I want to capture every little thing in this humble blog, and anoint this website to be a monument for u and of u!

Thank you God, Thank you Jesus, Thank you Holy Spirit! Thank you for loving me from before I was born to the end of time!

In Jesus's name, amen!

红酒的错

快要凌晨三点 ，精神百倍的我还在望着平板电脑打字。。。

喝着这红酒，心里有一种感触，一种说不出的感触。。。

在别人的口中它是一杯果香味十足的好红酒， 怎么在我口中只感觉到浓浓的酒精味儿？

是我的问题吗？
为什么总是跟大家不一样？
不一样的事物通常是被排挤的，不讨人喜欢的，不让人接受的。。。

别人都拼了命要不一样，但我这无聊人却。。。

I'm back!

Half way point between midnight and day break time, the impractical me is actually fantasizing on which activity to chooses should I wake up real early like 7 am... Its really great to be able wake up super early and have an "extra" half day... But its definitely a bummer to get out a comfortable bed that feels that the world is much more beautiful. Dun u feel like rolling your eyes? Ok, go ahead and roll... I can't see it any way... :x

I am just that kind of impractical and super ironic person... Someone I know of simply hates it :P

I've been told that I should be realistic, if I fun mean it then dun waste time on it...truthfully it was only my way to unwinding my thinking any things "freely & creatively"... It beats thinking hand considering all factors on other stuffs... Trust me, my mind is working in the extreme zones; it's either in the best of times or in the darkest hour location.

*Disclaimer: I am just rambling nonsensically; if u want to shake head, pls do so in a manner without hurting yourself or ppl around u... Else, dun read my blog... No see = no angry = nothing happen : )

Enjoy whatever's left of the weekend, and have a great week ahead... What the hack... Have a better one than me ya?!!

Cheers!

iPad doodling

My first doodle...

More than just a bad day...

Its not just another bad day, its just i am bad... No idea if i was a rotten apple all along or somewhere sometime in the past i changed. I am a lousy person, breathing and wasting precious oxygen... I know i am not a good friend shld be, but i did try... And i did failed. My stupid non functioning memory, blur double booking me, and the moody who run and hides are my winning formula to my epic failure. I let her down once before, choosing my work and not being able to fulfill the wedding planner which i promised to be. And now... The price of failure, and cost of taking things for granted is the loss of a friend, a damn good one... who no longer considers me a friend no more... Its more than just a bad day... Work is not going as well, sabotages come one after another, colleagues getting upset at me, frustrated at not able to express myself, nothing is right... Its like a dark cloud crept up on me and engulf me, now everywhere i turn or look i hate what i see... myself! Dear God, What is it that is going on? All i know is i messed up, messed up big time too... Can you help? Can you fix this? Please, can you help me and fix this mess and let things go back to the days where we all are happy... Fix me too! i dun wan any of this to happen again... Please!

starry starry Night

baby breath

Blessed birthday!

依靠

人說

＂靠樹 樹會倒， 靠人 人會跑＂

我說

＂哇靠！

 樹可不可以不倒， 人可不可以不跑？

 因為。。。 我想依靠你。。。

Tree

Nap Dream Fright

It wasnt a nitemare to begin with, cos it was an evening nap and it really wasnt horrific... Its something that the mind conjurs up, from memory, in a random manner... But still, my heart was pounding hard, the fear was puzzlingly overwhelming...

As usual, my dreams where hopping like a grasshopper... From one scene to another, totally unrelated totally random! I guess the only part of the dream i rememebered were conversations between myself to myself *hee* my tots lah not i siao siao talking to myself aloud lah,as i was conversing w A via msging, and a grp conversation between A & B & myself.

The first part was abt conversation w A on asking if he was interested in going somewhere, impression being a place tat is rather far judging from my disappointment when he replied that he is already there... And cant rem the rest of the converesation... Then i was in a car, driving alone to somewhere, dark quiet narrow road area, passing some lights. It pretty much looks like none city area, cos more plants then concrete sardines...

Then i was in the room, i assume i had driven, arrived at my destination and made my way into the room. There was some sort of display or screen showing, not wat it was... Then next thing i know, i found myself in a ridiculously high place, like those playgrounds made up was steel poles in big cube like form, except it was so high up that i cant see the ground. There were 3 of us, A & B & me... Sitting on top, not moving, and as i saw the high, i was very concern and limited my movement immediately. I had no idea why, but i had alot of stuffs with me; 2 mobiles and some other electronic items. I suddenly l fumbled and dropped one of my mobiles, and it went down down down...

Then the conversation came, starting with someone saying i should havent have brought it up, now its gone for good. But i wasnt concern, all i did was " ah... Nevermind". Somehow, thought in such a situation, my comfort was the presence of A. I remember saying, so long A is ard, i feel safe or something of sort. With that i woke up, then following w a wave of fear and rapid beating of the heart.

Not sure wat was B doing there thought, my guess is becos saw him recently alittle too much... Wakakakaka...  I cant help but think the whole dream was more of A and me, cos only we were interacting, more like the main dream and B was the cameo... So sorry B! Wahahahaha...

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