Hmm... i noe i been feeling vexed for quite some time, and i guess i finally see some light at the end of the tunnel. I kept saying, or rather using the "excuse" that i'm not comfortable in this new arena of battle; i'm in somewhere strange, and not my own, and i know i wont be here for the rest of my life. All i have to do is to endure and it will be over when its over.
Until today, this was the only afternoon where i had time to myself. I finally got my butt off the chair, in front of the lappy, and also out of the nice air conditioning in the hse. I din really know where to go, jus a place where is plenty of space and air and sunshine. It din take me long to find somewhere to settle down, cos there aint many places that are open here on a sat afternoon.
I brought a few stuffs with me, cos i din really noe wat to do and i wanted to do something that i would do if i am alone back in sg. So i brought with me paperback notebook, pen, a book and my bible. It been a long time since i carry a notebook ard, especially when i got here. In Sg, i love to bring a notebook and my fav pen, and as and when i have any tots i would quickly jot them down. Cos if i dun, i will forget...
So tdy, i wrote my tots... rather than having them all cluttering my head and go crazy, i might as well write them down and see wats really bothering me. Now i know why my SG's care grp leader kept asking me if have settle in when i first got here... i was really wondering wats there to be settle in or not, cos i wont in tears and crying to go hm. Now i know...
Being here feels like being trapped; though i have total freedom but mentally i felt trapped. It does help to know that i will not trapped forever, but it does not help when the date of depost changes from june 07 to sept 07 to oct 07 and now to nov 07. For a moment, u will lose sight of ever going hm.
In times like these, u will start to have wild tots... Some time back i reallt freaked out after having some weird dreams. i dreamt of my family and grandparents, and the tots stayed in my head so persistantly that it scared me. i begin to call back to Sg and to check on my grandparents and family, talking to them gave me great relieve, but it also made my heart wept. I never like to talk or spent time with my grandparents, cos each time i see them my heart bled and my eyes would begin to water. Seeing them aging... and jus by looking at them, the helplessness is overwhelming. There is absolutely nothing i can do for them, even if i tell them i love them, would it mean anything to them now?
All i ask of the Lord is that He keeps them safe and happy, even if he must bring anyone to the heavenly home, pls let it happen after i have gone back. I know God will do that, cos He listened and He knows.
It really does help when u know u belong to God, and that u have someone who is more than ABLE to help u. Think most of u dun believe in God, and u might ask, "why dun tell yr God to bring u, or jus resign then yr God will help u wat."
I said it many times before and i still will say the same thing; I am here for "training", and i believe it is essential to me. Life is the same day after day, week after week, there's got to be more to life than work breathe and play. i believe i am here to be equipped to fulfill watever my life's purpose is to be, to do that i first have to believe that the dream i have in me is alive...
I have thrown my hands up in surrrender and gave up, and this is my second shot... its more like a thought shot, cos i'm not doing anything... BUT ITS STILL A SHOT! Its only natural that i cannot, cos i'm jus a wretch human being. It takes a GOD to break the natural, and i will have to depend on my GOD to do that for me.
no riddles, let those who has an ear hear, let those who has questions asks...
May God have mercy on those who disbelieve...
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