Crash and burnt

I had to get this out of my system, and somewhere at the back of my mind, I wan to do this gracefully… God help me…

Ok, how should I put it? In simple words, they are “ I CANNOT TAKE IT ANY MORE! ” . I do not want to know anything, I do not want to analyze anything, I do not want to check all factors before deciding if I should charge myself as the guilty party just becos there is simply something I could have done and didn’t do which ended up in this mess! I am sick and tired of feeling whatever I do, it’s a wrong move, and whatever I do always results in a tragic emotional mess for the whole family. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

At work, I can work with the guidelines; there are objectives which I can work towards it. The project may be painful, but there is always an end to it. In a relationship, if it doesn’t works out, breaking up and steering clear of each other isn’t a hard to do, even if Singapore is a small place. But family, the one that sticks with you for life, the ones whom you cannot choose but automatically loves is not like a boyfriend of a husband that you can leave and walk out of.

Damn it! Why do I have to know that everyone in the family is feeling the same thing, yet we all are not standing on the same platform, same line, and same reference? Damn it! Why is it that the one with the knowledge has the same responsibility to initiate the flow? DAMN IT! WHERE IS GOD WHEN I NEED HIM?!

YES! I know I am blind with tears, blind with anger, and blind to see where God is and what he is doing, blind to only see that I am alone in this pit…Its been years that this is going on, and I swear I would have jumped off a building long ago. Years after years all matters were just buried over. Damn it when is it going to get resolved?! WILL IT EVER GET RESOLVED??? Like a haunting ghost, it keeps coming back… tell me how long will it take before I jump off the ledge or allow myself to just speed and crash.

I am burnt, is that too hard to understand?

You told me, if I dun wan my life any more, I can give to God, at least do some recycling. And I did. Then all the more the waves come are even stronger, more suffocating? Work we had overcome, relationships we too walked thru it, then why is the most impt family aspect still status quo?

I dun wan to hear anything encouraging, I dun wan to hear any consolations, in fact… I dun wan to hear anything. Can someone just untangle the bloody mess? Can you all just let me walk away… walk far far away…

TO GOD:

You are God, you are able and willing. I really dun care how or wat, I and gving you tis tangled mess to sort things out. You are my God, you look out for me. You settle this thing. I dun wan to be vexed or upset with this any more. I will steer clear, and keep out of sight. You settle… not just about this incident, You settle the problem at the root cause.