The last 2 posts definite showed how fragile i am becoming, and this seems like only the beginning. These days i am really wondering if admitting that being weak is a type of strength. It takes quite a bit of guts to bend and apologize to ppl, it takes also quite abit to admit the mistakes we make... and admitting that we are weak is even more courageous!!! WHY??? OH PLS! Just use your human brain and think, admitting that we are weak is one way that we are disclosing that we are vulnerable... and that is not something good. At least thats wat i tot... being vulnerable is allowing ppl to attack you!!! You like getting hurt???
oki... i'm not goin to spend my precious $$$ on explaining my blogging, and especially when i forgotten what i originally wanted to put up... Anyway, will be back to vandalize so .........
Au Revoir!
Monday, June 27, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
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Wednesday, June 15, 2005
終於開始了。。。
終於﹐ 我開始用華語來報到了﹐ 一寫還是繁體字呢。。。
你說我厲不厲害?
今天的我有一點點的不悅﹐不是不開心。。。
而是心情有點低落。
我還是為了前天的考試而感覺有點喪氣﹐
在朋友們的面前雖然是不在乎﹐
但心裡是難受的。
在我這二十六年來﹐ 我答應自己從不放棄。。。
無論對事對物還是對人。
可是﹐那天我竟然放棄了。
就因為這樣 我決定不要在沒有預備好的情況下繼續考下個科目﹐
回到了辦公室﹐
我知道會有很多事要處理。
這考試與我的工作有點關係﹐
因為那個不考的決定。。。
自然而然地在公司內還引起軒然大波。
這納悶的心情我卻又能跟誰說呢?
我是沒有後悔﹐
因為我今天所說的都是心裡話﹐
我要為我自己站起來。
已經無所謂了那麼久﹐ 已到了醒悟的時候。。。
再無所謂下去的話就荒廢了大家的時間﹐ 大家的金錢。。。
畢竟公司只顧金錢。
當然老闆與同事都對我很好﹐
本人也很愧疚于他們。
希望從今以後的我是個從生的我。
你說我厲不厲害?
今天的我有一點點的不悅﹐不是不開心。。。
而是心情有點低落。
我還是為了前天的考試而感覺有點喪氣﹐
在朋友們的面前雖然是不在乎﹐
但心裡是難受的。
在我這二十六年來﹐ 我答應自己從不放棄。。。
無論對事對物還是對人。
可是﹐那天我竟然放棄了。
就因為這樣 我決定不要在沒有預備好的情況下繼續考下個科目﹐
回到了辦公室﹐
我知道會有很多事要處理。
這考試與我的工作有點關係﹐
因為那個不考的決定。。。
自然而然地在公司內還引起軒然大波。
這納悶的心情我卻又能跟誰說呢?
我是沒有後悔﹐
因為我今天所說的都是心裡話﹐
我要為我自己站起來。
已經無所謂了那麼久﹐ 已到了醒悟的時候。。。
再無所謂下去的話就荒廢了大家的時間﹐ 大家的金錢。。。
畢竟公司只顧金錢。
當然老闆與同事都對我很好﹐
本人也很愧疚于他們。
希望從今以後的我是個從生的我。
Home is ???
HOME! A place more than a roof over my head, shelter from sun & rain. Its also a place where I have taken for granted. A house with beings that I love, a place where I can hide in and shut the world out... But also a cage for the creature call ME.
Been informed that I will be going on a biz trip for a mth or so, though I wont be going alone, but the company isnt really something that I am looking forward to either. The allowance and benefits are not luring, but I still have to go cos ITS MY JOB.
I'm really fine with the travelling, cos I have been wanting to find out if I can survive alone in this world and this opportunity is here to simulate tat. I guess I can, but I wouldnt want to... Its so lonely, so lonely that I can somehow understand why ppl would get depress and commit suicide. I know I wont do tat, cos I dun think I have the guts to. But depression really sets in when u are alone... its unbearably painful to see time jus sweep and not being able to do anything.
no idea wat rubbish i am writing also... read and forget oki....
Been informed that I will be going on a biz trip for a mth or so, though I wont be going alone, but the company isnt really something that I am looking forward to either. The allowance and benefits are not luring, but I still have to go cos ITS MY JOB.
I'm really fine with the travelling, cos I have been wanting to find out if I can survive alone in this world and this opportunity is here to simulate tat. I guess I can, but I wouldnt want to... Its so lonely, so lonely that I can somehow understand why ppl would get depress and commit suicide. I know I wont do tat, cos I dun think I have the guts to. But depression really sets in when u are alone... its unbearably painful to see time jus sweep and not being able to do anything.
no idea wat rubbish i am writing also... read and forget oki....
Monday, June 13, 2005
Giving up
I know this blog is suppose to be a place where i can say anything i wan, and most of all, i had wanted it to be a place where i can terribly honest abt my tots. But now i am staring into my laptop and i find no words to describe my feelings.
I am feeling alittle down under today, cos i gave up on my exam today. I din prepare enuff and time was a little tight as well. And when i went for the exam, i was feeling very restless. i skipped a few of the questions which i din know how to answer, then i begin to lost my focus on the questions... i no longer wanted to read or attempt anything else. And i gave up. I GAVE UP ON THE EXAM! Though i struggled for another hour, i merely filled in all the incompleted questions and submitted. The results was 393/1000, passing criteria is 700/1000. The perfect desciption to how i feel now is = SHIT.
I am feeling alittle down under today, cos i gave up on my exam today. I din prepare enuff and time was a little tight as well. And when i went for the exam, i was feeling very restless. i skipped a few of the questions which i din know how to answer, then i begin to lost my focus on the questions... i no longer wanted to read or attempt anything else. And i gave up. I GAVE UP ON THE EXAM! Though i struggled for another hour, i merely filled in all the incompleted questions and submitted. The results was 393/1000, passing criteria is 700/1000. The perfect desciption to how i feel now is = SHIT.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
sleepless being
Its abt 1.34am in the morning, and i am writing this blog. Like most normal working ppl, i'm suppose to be already asleep, else busy rushing my work to meet the morning dateline(aka DEADLINE). But i am not. Suppose to be resting for the coming work day, but i am not. So wat do i wan???
I'm not too sure if i am not able to get to sleep or is it i do not want to sleep... part of me do feel tired and like to rest, the other part of me is like u sure u wanna sleep? Or then again am i afraid of sleeping? Or is it that i'm afraid of having to wake up? I guess its no point asking u rite? The normal reply would be, "i'm not you, how will i know?" Now the BIG prob is, i am me... and i still dunno. SO how?
See! Now i am not making any sense again....... ARGH!
But i did discover one thing over the 26 yrs of my life, one big discovery regarding my unconscious world... and that is somewhere, some how, i dunno why.... Whenever i am confused or stressed out or not wanting time to move on, i will have this hope that tmw dun come. And in a bid to make tat wish come true, i believed that shld i not sleep then the day will not come. Dun understand? Somewhere in my naive mind, i hope that by me not sleeping, the sun will not rise. And if the sun dun rise, tmw will never come. And if tmw does come, then i will have more time to sort out my thinking or to be able to escape watever i do not wish to face/confront.
Till today, i know i still have this naive thinking. I know it becos, i think it is happening rite now.
Life's getting depress, maybe i shld rephrase, i am choosing to feel depress over life... my life to be exact. I dunno what i want (or do i - to be happy and financally stable?), dunno what to do now (or do i - sleeping/resting and preparing to work tmw?) .......
ARGH! Why cant i jus say i dunno anything, why cant i jus run and hide... why can't i be left alone for a while? WHY? WHY? WHY?
->I cant becos i do know what i want, i cant becos it wont help, i cant becos i am vexing myself.
So what now?
->Need to sort out my tots and focus, dun lump everything together and see it as a mountain, know that mountains are made out of rocks and soil... you can break it down and clear it little by little.
--- i wish i can be dependant on someone and to really be able to say i dunno. i'm tired and i'm scared, i think i am sick of my job and time has come for me to move on, but i am too afraid to move and has been using the company BOND as an excuse. But wat can i do if i resign now? Wat if i cant find a job, where am i going to find money to pay my bills? Is there anyone who is able to rescue me? i know...... i know... "No one can help me if i dun help myself rite?" Heard that a million times..... a million... billion... trillon times already......
Ok, i noe wishing doesnt help, cos it will not be fulfill by wishing. So, i'm going to bed, going to succumb to the thing call life...
I'm not too sure if i am not able to get to sleep or is it i do not want to sleep... part of me do feel tired and like to rest, the other part of me is like u sure u wanna sleep? Or then again am i afraid of sleeping? Or is it that i'm afraid of having to wake up? I guess its no point asking u rite? The normal reply would be, "i'm not you, how will i know?" Now the BIG prob is, i am me... and i still dunno. SO how?
See! Now i am not making any sense again....... ARGH!
But i did discover one thing over the 26 yrs of my life, one big discovery regarding my unconscious world... and that is somewhere, some how, i dunno why.... Whenever i am confused or stressed out or not wanting time to move on, i will have this hope that tmw dun come. And in a bid to make tat wish come true, i believed that shld i not sleep then the day will not come. Dun understand? Somewhere in my naive mind, i hope that by me not sleeping, the sun will not rise. And if the sun dun rise, tmw will never come. And if tmw does come, then i will have more time to sort out my thinking or to be able to escape watever i do not wish to face/confront.
Till today, i know i still have this naive thinking. I know it becos, i think it is happening rite now.
Life's getting depress, maybe i shld rephrase, i am choosing to feel depress over life... my life to be exact. I dunno what i want (or do i - to be happy and financally stable?), dunno what to do now (or do i - sleeping/resting and preparing to work tmw?) .......
ARGH! Why cant i jus say i dunno anything, why cant i jus run and hide... why can't i be left alone for a while? WHY? WHY? WHY?
->I cant becos i do know what i want, i cant becos it wont help, i cant becos i am vexing myself.
So what now?
->Need to sort out my tots and focus, dun lump everything together and see it as a mountain, know that mountains are made out of rocks and soil... you can break it down and clear it little by little.
--- i wish i can be dependant on someone and to really be able to say i dunno. i'm tired and i'm scared, i think i am sick of my job and time has come for me to move on, but i am too afraid to move and has been using the company BOND as an excuse. But wat can i do if i resign now? Wat if i cant find a job, where am i going to find money to pay my bills? Is there anyone who is able to rescue me? i know...... i know... "No one can help me if i dun help myself rite?" Heard that a million times..... a million... billion... trillon times already......
Ok, i noe wishing doesnt help, cos it will not be fulfill by wishing. So, i'm going to bed, going to succumb to the thing call life...
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Check in UNO.... PRONTO!
Walking up to the blog counter, i lift my hand and slapped on the ringer... annoucing my arrival.
I come in my shades and baseball cap, mouthing the words "CHECK IN!"
Thats right all you broz, watch out! i'm one bored mean machine waiting to put u to Zzz-Land if u ever dare step yr finger upon tis weblog and another evil twin will wanna make u jumping off a building with her emotional outburst.
BEWARE! Dun u fall off yr chair! *mUaHaHaHaHa*
oki, that was not a great big banging opening, but who cares?!! At least i dun, i'm just one bored being that has decided to try blogging as my last desperate resort to release my loud tots and queries. Dun expect me to provide answers if you do comment, but BE EXPECTING to answer my QUESTIONS instead. Not to worry, i'll not be querying on long mathematical formulae on Laplace or Fouriers... and definitely nothing on Watson Watt Theorem.... i hear some mummering huh.... Fine.... then i shall just ask u questions like the meaning of life, dun u dare tell me its a mere reaction that caused a BIG BANG and VOILA! BEHOLD! The world is before us... Try something new oki....
Oh btw, you ppl who call me THE HOSTILE ONE ...................... DUN u ever call me tat!
*The stranger loner turns and heads for the lobby. The lift opens it doors with a BING-ing sound, as if its welcome her...*
Blog blog blogggggggggg~~~~~~~~~~
I come in my shades and baseball cap, mouthing the words "CHECK IN!"
Thats right all you broz, watch out! i'm one bored mean machine waiting to put u to Zzz-Land if u ever dare step yr finger upon tis weblog and another evil twin will wanna make u jumping off a building with her emotional outburst.
BEWARE! Dun u fall off yr chair! *mUaHaHaHaHa*
oki, that was not a great big banging opening, but who cares?!! At least i dun, i'm just one bored being that has decided to try blogging as my last desperate resort to release my loud tots and queries. Dun expect me to provide answers if you do comment, but BE EXPECTING to answer my QUESTIONS instead. Not to worry, i'll not be querying on long mathematical formulae on Laplace or Fouriers... and definitely nothing on Watson Watt Theorem.... i hear some mummering huh.... Fine.... then i shall just ask u questions like the meaning of life, dun u dare tell me its a mere reaction that caused a BIG BANG and VOILA! BEHOLD! The world is before us... Try something new oki....
Oh btw, you ppl who call me THE HOSTILE ONE ...................... DUN u ever call me tat!
*The stranger loner turns and heads for the lobby. The lift opens it doors with a BING-ing sound, as if its welcome her...*
Blog blog blogggggggggg~~~~~~~~~~
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