sleepless being

Its abt 1.34am in the morning, and i am writing this blog. Like most normal working ppl, i'm suppose to be already asleep, else busy rushing my work to meet the morning dateline(aka DEADLINE). But i am not. Suppose to be resting for the coming work day, but i am not. So wat do i wan???

I'm not too sure if i am not able to get to sleep or is it i do not want to sleep... part of me do feel tired and like to rest, the other part of me is like u sure u wanna sleep? Or then again am i afraid of sleeping? Or is it that i'm afraid of having to wake up? I guess its no point asking u rite? The normal reply would be, "i'm not you, how will i know?" Now the BIG prob is, i am me... and i still dunno. SO how?

See! Now i am not making any sense again....... ARGH!

But i did discover one thing over the 26 yrs of my life, one big discovery regarding my unconscious world... and that is somewhere, some how, i dunno why.... Whenever i am confused or stressed out or not wanting time to move on, i will have this hope that tmw dun come. And in a bid to make tat wish come true, i believed that shld i not sleep then the day will not come. Dun understand? Somewhere in my naive mind, i hope that by me not sleeping, the sun will not rise. And if the sun dun rise, tmw will never come. And if tmw does come, then i will have more time to sort out my thinking or to be able to escape watever i do not wish to face/confront.

Till today, i know i still have this naive thinking. I know it becos, i think it is happening rite now.

Life's getting depress, maybe i shld rephrase, i am choosing to feel depress over life... my life to be exact. I dunno what i want (or do i - to be happy and financally stable?), dunno what to do now (or do i - sleeping/resting and preparing to work tmw?) .......

ARGH! Why cant i jus say i dunno anything, why cant i jus run and hide... why can't i be left alone for a while? WHY? WHY? WHY?
->I cant becos i do know what i want, i cant becos it wont help, i cant becos i am vexing myself.

So what now?
->Need to sort out my tots and focus, dun lump everything together and see it as a mountain, know that mountains are made out of rocks and soil... you can break it down and clear it little by little.

--- i wish i can be dependant on someone and to really be able to say i dunno. i'm tired and i'm scared, i think i am sick of my job and time has come for me to move on, but i am too afraid to move and has been using the company BOND as an excuse. But wat can i do if i resign now? Wat if i cant find a job, where am i going to find money to pay my bills? Is there anyone who is able to rescue me? i know...... i know... "No one can help me if i dun help myself rite?" Heard that a million times..... a million... billion... trillon times already......

Ok, i noe wishing doesnt help, cos it will not be fulfill by wishing. So, i'm going to bed, going to succumb to the thing call life...