The ONE thing I can do best…

Many times the tongue has been a wild loosely disciplined entity, and the freedom it has mostly comes in situations where I personally felt a response is required immediately. As Pastor said, and many experiences too, when you do not know what to say, it’s best to smile. This is an extremely difficult thing to do man!

Is this situation a trial practice? With such news I really don’t know how to react or response, of course hearing this news from a 3rd party is a time buyer… certainly an advantage… While trying to remain calm, I can only force myself to thing if there are things we can help her with… I’m sure she will say she is doing fine with the support of her family. The model answer to my thoughts is only 1 word, PRAYER!

Things that are beyond my control, beyond my reach are best intervened by God. Things that I think are within my abilities, I am learning to start with going to God first, without rushing ahead like a mad dog. This lesson is one of those where I have yet to graduate, since a long time back.

Unexpected “appraisal” day

It was an unexpected “appraisal” day, I dunno what she told her, but it came up as I needed help and direction. I admit that I had used the words loosely to allow her to feel she is not alone, but it did make me go “ARGH”. I can feel her frustration when she kept emphasizing on me not having a goal.

The truth is, it is true that I love to look to her for an annual appraisal for practical career progression. It is true that I thought she would be able to help me. But I guess I have decided to take after God. From the day I went crazy looking for a purpose in life, I broken down when I am not able to identify a goal for myself… aimless being drifting in the world is a sentence worse than death.

It was God, It was Jesus, who came to me and tell me its alright, who told me that my life is not a bounced cheque waiting to be cashed, but rather a cheque in writing. And I am the one who is to fill up the cheque, I am the one who says where the cheque is used for and how much worth is this cheque going to draw! I guess I am spoiled with such love that I can do anything I want and make anything happen in Christ.

Able to live a life that has been planned out, sit back relax and wait for doors to be open by God is amazing. I also thought I will turn into a disgusting lazy worm, but it came out differently… In fact, I am all the more eager to do things once the task is given.

Things happened because of planning, but for me things just work out; simply because God did the planning and my role is to just rest and follow.

selfish

It was a selfish agenda to have people depending and relying on me. All because I am not able to identify, find my purpose in life. It is a sentence worse than death! Without purpose, without a reason to live, it is the same to be as waiting for death to come. This is one thought I cannot bear, the one thought that can drive me to jump of a building any time.

Having people to need me and rely on me is wrong, not only because I am not able to help them, but I deprived them of their divine help which brings them much more than copping with their needs? How can I be so selfish that the help I gave only made things worse and to go on as nothing happened?

Its coming…

I can feel it… its going to come to pass very soon…

Not sure how i will react, not sure if its a yes or no;

But i do know that i will know what to do when the time comes.

A load off the mind

Tonight might just be the night, the night where we all can have a easier to enter the zzz land. Though i feel a little queasy, but the paperwork is set and if all goes well, coming Friday might just be the day.

Though i am paying for the vehicle myself, from deposit to upfront payments to taxes and installments, but i am still happy with this present my family gave me. The present they gave was the approval for the car. Surprised? :) You wanna make a guess what is the other load off my mind? Its not having a car of my own, but its the NO MORE TORTUROUS walks thru the sgcarmart.sg and Ubi Automart!

Thank you Jesus! : )

Vulnerability

They said I am a typical fit to the descriptions of the horoscopes, be it the astrology Gemini, or the Chinese zodiac Goat, or even Bazi – Eight Characters analysis… I am one who is often said to be an advocate, mediator, and even a strong hard piece of metal shield. I am independent, strong and hardly gets down by anything. I thank God that all those are true, but its true only becos God was the one who enabled me to be. I always believe that God is the one who gives us the desires in ourselves, gives us the passion and the ability to satisfy that same desire.

As hard as the metal can be, it can only protect things that are of physical impact; but it is powerless to the forces that cannot be seen by the human eye. Love is vulnerability, and the only weakest link of the chain. Like I have often said, to love someone is to hand yourself naked self over to the other party; it’s like surrendering to him/her/them your bare heart allowing them to treat it in any manner they like. And in this world, there is no one who has my heart like my family does. But we have a problem, or at least I have a problem… and this problem is like a thorn in the flesh where the wound has been inflamed. Each time an incident comes up, the wound would hurt like hell. I really hope that this thorn be removed and that the wound will heal as if it has never been in place before.

This is my family, people whom I can never stop loving, even if I am bleeding, or crippled or paralyzed. Of course I can choose to leave and be riddance of it, but I prefer not to… I choose not to… If I decide to be here with them, then my mind, my heart, my thoughts and my body have to be here with them. Regardless in any circumstance or any issues.