Ship AHOY!

Each time i board the ship to work, i would suddenly remind how this job is not my cuppa tea. I will rem that this is one job i know i definitely i wont wanna to do, at least not for long term. And today's work has reconfirm this tot once again, just that it came on stronger than before. The aching body, the cut on the wrist that is abt 1.5 cm away from my green vein on my wrist, and the bruised arm... not forgetting the steaming hot air in the head and the sunburn on the arms (again).

But then again, i tell myself not to be rash... cos i still like most of the work i do and i do get to see alot of things that ppl normally dun get to. Maybe i jus dun like this particular project, but then this project will be my main source of bread, cos its completion date is suppose to be in 2008, seems like the schedule is slipping fast... so maybe later than 2008. So you see... how?!

I really not a big fan of climbing high high on a ship that is still under construction and standing on the staging that seems to be moving all the time. And and and and... no one seems to abide by the rules of keeping to the number of ppl on per platform lor... i will scare wan lor... the platform cannot take so many ppl wan lor... They dunno wat is safety wan meh!

GRR.....

okok... think i got my answer... think i am jus upset at this particular project...

THE END.

不一樣的禮拜三

不一樣的禮拜三有多不一樣？

本來是一個重要的一天，
可是現在不重要了。。。

本來還有小計劃一下，
有小緊張一下，
有小期望一下，
有小準備一下，
有小想了一下，
但現在什麽也不要了。。。

為什麽啊？
原本很在意的原因是自己好久沒有對任何人有好感，
“有好感”， 翻譯成我的語言就是說自己終于肯給自己一個機會了。
給別人機會往往都很容易，比起給自己機會容易多了。。。
因爲如果是自己的話，我總是選擇絕望。

上次我說過我討厭放棄，
討厭那無能爲力的感覺，
並答應自己決不能放棄。。。
所以我就選擇處絕望罷了。

現在想通了，也厭倦了絕望
也漸漸開始開竅了。。。

所以

現在不想了， 什麽也不想了
因爲已不覺得重要了。。。
我並不需要用這種方法來證明什麽，
只要自己確定了真的放開了手就足夠了，
確定自己相信我和別人沒有不一樣，別人有的，我也可以擁有。。。
甚至擁有更多更好。。。
尤其是心靈和感情那一方面就足夠了。


所以不普通的禮拜三已經變普通了，
不一樣的已經是沒有什麽不一樣了。

^_^


（好像寫得有點不太對，但不管了。。。只要我懂就行了
頭腦快不行了，也沒什麽體力了。。。錯就錯吧。。。
到底去不去呢。。。就看我累不累，看我推不推得掉吧。）

Chinese...draining me dry!

ARGH!!!
its really taking alot of me to do those two chinese blog...
now i'm completely drain...

Blogging in Chinese is hazardous..... BEWARE!

咪咪的故事

让咪咪来讲个烂故事吧！

＊ＧＲＩＮ＊

有一只猫，它的志愿是能到处走走，看看这个奇妙的世界。
有一天，它的愿望实现了。。。
有个好心人不但收养了它，还把它带在身边。
于是猫咪就跟它的森林中的朋友们道别，跟随着它的新主人离开了。

这花花世界让它看得眼花缭乱，有新奇的，也有烦闷的，有恐怖的，也有温馨的。。。世界虽然多奇妙，但咪咪始终都没有不想念它那般森林之朋友 - 它的朋友中有牛，仓鼠，青蛙，小熊，等等等 （最近好像来了一只可爱猪）。大家都是好朋友，成天都嘻闹在一起，有多好玩就有多好玩，有多令人羡慕就有多令人羡慕。。。

有一天主人好像收到什麽消息，立即决定回道那森林小镇的家一趟。
这一下子这猫可乐了！！！

回到了家乡后，咪咪才了解主人为何要回来。。。
原来是发生了森林火患， 它赶紧去找它的朋友们。
它很庆幸朋友们都有没有生命危险，只有几个的伤势比较严重。

咪咪看了很伤心，也很心痛。。。
因为它的朋友们大多都受了伤。。。
皮外伤是小 （因为只要好好疗养就能恢复了），
但其中有几个伤的不止是皮肉。。。
那几个好像觉得这片森林已经被烧毁了，已没什麽好留念的。
它们想要离去，寻找另一片地为家。

咪咪没有愤怒，毕竟森林火患是天灾而不是人为。
而它们会那麽想也没有对错。。。
它也知道自己也待不了多久，
因为只要主人一走，它也得走了。

但它还是觉得很不舍不得。。。
昔日留下的回忆就只剩回忆了吗？

Mistakenly disappointed......

Its been quite sometime since i last told ppl ard me that i'm am overjoyed that my boss think's that i am capable of more at work, and they would like to recommend me for a promotion. Its been like dunno how long and i have already forgotten abt the July annoucement date.

And just when i was thinking abt it on my way to work, in the cab... this voice asked me,
"Its july now, isnt the promtion news suppose to be out since its already like mid of the mth?"
Another voice in me replied,"Yea, most prob is the promotion thing din come thru, though they promised at least a grade jump and will fight for 2 grade jump, but u shld know why..."
ANd i replied to these to voices," yea i know, performance has been rock bottom since the day boss mentioned abt proposing my name for promo to the board." I shrugged off the tot abt the promo thing altogether. I was determine to maintain the cheery me, the one month overseas assignment that allowed me to focus only on 1 project really gave me some rest. I was feeling fresh and ready to start work.

As usual, the computer gives me some of her attitude treatment for giving her cold shoulder for a mth. Everything got back on track after some struggling with the hdd, email transfer and the non-stop ringing crazed phone finally shut up, giving me sometime to sort out all the arrows that were shooting at me. Then the computer "rang", an incoming email... The first few lines read,
"Congrats to those mentioned in the attached list." It's the name list of those whose promotion have been approved by the board and managers. I quickly closed the email window and tagged the email under "unread", cos i really dun dare to read... dun wanna to be affected by it my name isnt in it.... dun wan my working engine to clutter when it jus got warmed up...

Nearing 5pm, my neigboring colleague exclaimed aloud that the promo list is out, he was all excited. To disguise my nervousness, i commented "Yea! cool rite?!! time to have free lunch again!!!" However, the uncool part was, i caught a glimpse of the list and it really didnt look like it had my name. On the spot, disappointment battered me.

But then i told myself that its ok, everyone knows that i have worked hard and they do know that there is much more i can accomplish. The only prob now lies in me who is not showing it, not giving my boss enuff ammo to fight for me. I had been such a diffcult person in the last few mths and everyone not only kept showing concern and patience in me, but also keep coming to talk to me and telling me how much they like me to share watever probs i am facing. Guess my attitude was so horrundous that ppl can tell me that i dun seems to be the June they know.
As i went on abt my work after that glance, i tried to keep my spirits up but the impact of disappointment is hard to just shove it away.

At abt 6.30pm, still buried in my work, someone shouted for me. i replied with a good strong reply of "YES SIR!". *HEHEE* Dunno why work until so high also... but it seems as i have more stuffs to do, the more i can put myself into it. "SO EXCITING! GOT ALOT OF WORK TO DO! I LOVE IT!!!!" This phrase seems to be written all over my face, thats how my colleague described me today. Anyway, back to the fellow who called for me. He excitedly called me over, refusing my request for uno minuto... i scrambled over and his pointed to the computer screen, its was the promo list, i fely my heart dipped a little and wanted to turn away ASAP. But then when i look at the spot where his finger landed, i saw my name... I SAW MY NAME..... MY NAME ON THE LIST... THE LIST!!! I was already smiling boradly in my heart, but still i had to ask them if they are sure and if they had altered the list... Then it was confirmed...

Now to think back, i realized that my boss who had been trying to contact me was trying to tell me that my promo went through but not as the one planned. So it was not to tell me that i din get the promo! hahaha... i am OVERJOYED! Though the promotion was in the grading and in $$$ sense its really very peanuts, but its enuff to set me smiling.

Yesterday is Yesterday, Today is Today, and Tmw will be Tmw......

Yes, i'm homefree!~ And yes, it seems like i'm not quite set to Zzz-land, looking at the time of this new post, i think i may be jetlagging... Then again, i like to explore a lit further, listing the few possibilities on why i not ready for Zzz..... since i'm heating up my siew mai(x2) and hotdogs (x2)... (my mum tells me tat good things come in pair mah...) *GRIN*

Ps. No... no... no... Not exactly supper lah... Got a lit hungry from taking the flu med jus now mah...

Here goes...

1) Jetlag
The all time fav explanation without having to explain further... hehee..

2) Hunger
Well, i did mention that i was having a running nose with headache, after taking the flu med its really making my stomach alit grumpy... And rumor has it that one cant Zzz when they are HUNGRY! And i do get headaches when i am hungry / empty stomach.

3) Work on mind
Half of me is hoping that i need not work tmw, so feeling a little not so gd may be worth it, but the other half of me... "the more sensible one" think otherwise, afterall work in the office is picking up and by no means i wanna miss any of the action. We shall see wat happens tmw then. Afterall... Today is Today, and Tmw will be Tmw......

4) Question.
Met up with a fren today and was chatting abt BGR stuffs, exchanging views on relational issues. Then my fren posed a good question to me today, one that i do not have any answer yet...

It started with me telling him that i know clearly that i still love my ex, and that he will always have a place in my heart. And that I am quite happy with the way things are now, loving him from a distance is sufficient for me. Becos i know that we can never be and i wouldn't want to be together with him any more. Besides, i'm also quite sure that no guy will be able to accept the fact that their gf will have another man in her heart other than themselves. And i'm not expecting anyone to accept that, cos i cant accept that myself.

Then he asked a very good question, he asked if my options are open for future/new relationships (something like tat... not exact words but meaning abt the same)... As usual, i started to give him crap answers, cos he really caught me there... I replied that i do look forward to be in a new relationship, afterall i can like someone easily. And hopefully the new love will wear out the former love.

But i have no idea wat i was saying that tat moment... i was bz trying to defend myself once again, i was trying to be positive though i think i am thinking otherwise.

• Loving someone and liking a person is completely different, loving him unconditionally and comparing it with liking someone else is like peanuts vs the elephant. I am really not sure if i will be able to forget him, and i am really hoping+wishing+praying that there will be someone who will come along and replace his place in my heart. I hope i am wrong, but i am afraid that no one will / is able to do just that.
• There is also this part in me that says: "Maybe i do desire for a new relationship to take place, but i dun have the guts to go into one." Cause i really dunno how well i can take that type of blow any more.
• Then there is this part of me telling me that i watched too much drama, and time will prove that i will be up and going once i let go of and get over this Mr HIM; I will meet someone and love again.

I guess all these 3 points are true and my conclusion is..... not to think so much... i decided to take a day at a time... See my title? Yup, wats past is past... Today is the impt thing; Let tmw worry abt itself... afterall i cant do anything abt wat has not hap yet rite? ^_^

I've finished my makan and i think i will go lie down again and try to enter Zzz-Land.

Adios Amigos!

Home Sweet Home

TOday is the 15th July 2005, its a friday, and for the locals here its their first day of the weekend where they can turn from part-time party to FULL TIME party. Trust me, when they party, they really mean biz ... The party doesnt starts till 12midnite every nite other than Sat and they would not have any tots on ending at 3am or 4am, but rather its all the way till 6am onwards. I have already gotten use to the racket thats going on for the past 1 mth, even when i awake at 4am. The only time when i find peace and quiet is when Mr Sun sends his rays thru the side painting-like window of my room, and onto my face. The gentle warm sun never fails to wake me up, its jus a matter of time depending on my tolerance for that morning... *GRIN*

Oh yah, got out of point again... As i was saying, today is the 15th July 2005, its the date that is printed on my return ticket to home. I'm going home ppl, HOME! I called my mum yesterday and i told her:" Mummy.... Mummy.... Mummy.... See ya the day after tmw oki? Cos i'm coming HOME to you!" And as i checked out of my hotel room, just 20mins ago, the nice lady ask me how i was today and all i could say was "I'm GOING HOME!" I could feel my tear glands at work, but they din succeed.

Then on the way here, the traffic lights seems to take longer than usual to turn green for the pedestrians... In abit to avoid direct suntanning of my eyes, i did a 180 degrees turn, and the BIG BIG BIG nice blue sea greeted me. And i said to the sea, "GOOdbye, i'm going to miss you fren." The BIG BIG BIG nice blue sea seems to understand me, and in return, a huge wave came crashing onto the breakwaters, the wave that splashed abt formed something like a BIG HAND waving back at me. Well, you might not believe it but it did happen and i did see that. I've always been quite fond of the sea; Its so dangerous and unpredictable, yet its can be gentle and soothing. Its something I love and yet I are afraid of. For years i had refused to go to the beach or swim in the sea, all thanks to the movie JAWS... But now i have gotten to know this beautiful and amzaing creation of GOD, and i love it.

Okis... after typing so much, my internet prepaid credit still has a balance of 3hrs and 20mins. Great, and i only have abt an hr before i have to head back to the hotel and grab my luggage and flee to the airport. I'm going to miss this place; i did not left behind 1 mth of my life here but rather, it had marked a milestone in my life. Being alone out here isnt all that bad, at least for someone like me. I made new frens out of my associates and each new day i am greeted with a smile from my reflection in the mirror. Times does tend to get a little lonely, but i can get by it.

Life in the past mth has not been extraordinary, but i can truely call it "Living a life".

GoodBye Txx XXiX.

Fear

Will be heading home in a couple of days and the tension is getting stronger within me, each night my heart beats hard and fast, seemingly expecting something to happen. Maybe I am too worried about going back. Dun get me wrong, but I’m delighted to be able to head home, but I am worried about being a disappointment at work. My superior hasn’t seen exactly the best of me during this period of one month, and personally I cannot accept this rotten attitude. He has been very patient with me, and I really appreciate that. There are times where I suspect that he is at a complete loss in how to manage me… Trust me, its no easy task to be my superior.

My current working environment is absolutely wonderful; everyone is genuinely concern for each other in the department, at least that’s what I think it is. Ever since I have been contemplating about a job change, a chain reaction triggered off, and it resulted in a great effect on my work performance. This has caught the attention of my bosses and are very concern about it. One is telling me that I do not have to taken upon all the responsibilities for whatever goes wrong around. Another is telling me to find someone I can trust to talk to, and they welcome me to share with him. Yet another one is teaching me how to manage my finances, utilizing my benefits and getting my claims done right that I may be able to get the greens back. This is one place where I will not bear to part easily.

Then there is the dilemma from the other side of the coin, my pay and designation has not change much in the last 4 plus years. The critical factor here is the field that I am suppose to be in for as long as I stay in this job – RF industry. This is one field that didn’t get off on the right foot with me; it has neither been a favorite nor the recent efforts made any progress in it. I know this is one topic that I am really not interested in. I enjoyed the work I had been involved in while outsourced to an agency, the coordination and management of the systems were a joy. Nothing of the scope has change, except that it’s a different playing field and there is a need to be really in depth to it. But I guess the biggest difference is I know what I must do, can do and able to do. I knew clearly what where my boundaries and what is the area of field I can work with. I’m not quite sure what is different this time round, but I do feel quite lost.

Then there is the pressure from home; something that I have been trying to shrug off, but it’s coming on strong, with each blow, is reducing me to a state of despair and distress. It’s not exactly pressure from home, but rather it’s something that I put upon myself when my family comments on it. Everyone is right, with the paper qualifications I have, and the close to 5yrs of technical hands on experience, I can easily find another job which pays me better. There may be better prospects, but the biggest obstacle is my lack of confidence. I am afraid I may not get a better job, or a job, which may not be something that I like to do. Or I may be really unlucky that instead of a pay rise, I would have to accept a worse off job on top of a pay cut. Or what if I can’t perform the job to the expectations of the new employers?!! There are so many what if and unknown… I am really afraid.


=> Child, you are mine.
Who would be able to curse you when I bless you?
What curse can stand my blessings?!!
Leave your worries and trust in me.
I am GOD, YOUR Heavenly Father…
I am the one you call ABBA.
Remember that I am ABLE…….
DO NOT FEAR, for I AM WITH YOU.

Friend

People walk in and out of our lives, some stayed longer than other, and some left before you even know it. Some left good impressions or memories, while some left us not good experiences. Since TH and JB, KL left me an equally deep impression. He was someone that I was quite fond of getting close to when I was in my teens. He was spontaneous and very sporting. But since classes stopped, we didn’t have much of a chance to get together. Shortly after, he went abroad for further studies.

Then a few years later, a reunion was called for and the same old group appeared. We were the most sporting in the past and the attendance for the gathering proved it once again. The gathering brought us more chances of interaction privately after that night, and I slowly begin to recall that I did have a good impression of him after all in our younger days. And it seems like he hasn’t change much, still a very nice guy who is not able to carry a conversation well, and always smiling away.

The reunion gathering brought a lot of topics for discussions and chats and one particular incident left me smiling from ear to ear. That night, four of us were the last to leave the place and one of the two guys who drove offered to give all of us a lift. My gal friend was reluctant, gave in when the two guys persisted. And of course I went along. I was the first to alight and as I was reminding my other gal friend to call me when she reach home, KL got off the car and without me noticing and insisted on escorting me to my door step. It really felt queered, but then I guess probably he ad just returned from Aussie and he is just doing what he thinks a guy should do no matter who the gal is. I din really read too much into it and just went along.

But on the following week, I met up with my gal friend and were talking about the gathering we had. Then she started asking me if KL had sent me all the way to my doorstep that very night; following which is a complaint that he had not even offered to send her to the lift. I was pleasantly surprised. Then I tried to explain to her the list of possibilities :

1. I had the most drinks during the gathering, and he probably think it would be good to make sure I am home even I dun look drunk. After all he has no idea how well I can hold or cannot hold the liquor.
2. We might had a conversation that has not ended, dun ask me what cos you guys know I just rattle on. If I forgot something, that’s it… it probably wont come back to memory. After all, its just small talks / chats.
3. He probably thought that it would be fair for each guy to escort one gal, but sadly the Mr. Driver was too dull to understand that.

My friend gave me a queer look but accept the list anyway.

Well, here comes the highlight… We were constantly chatting online after that reunion gathering, and met up on a few occasions as we lived quite near to each other. On one night where we went out for drinks, we were chatting about our past relationships and ourselves. It might have been the drinks, but I blurt out that with my family holding me as their mental and emotional support I too need one. And I have no idea how long more I can hold out. Then he made me an offer that I can never forget. “I want to be your support…… can I?.” At the moment I was very touched but was even more shocked, and I can only reply him with two words – “Thank you”.

I appreciate him and his offer, I was genuinely touched. But I know I will never lean on him, simply because I have never allowed myself to rely on anyone. Not in the past, not now and most probably not in the future. It was really a coincidence that workload got heavier and we hadn’t met up after that. But we do still keep in touch via the Internet , we still do occasional chats thru msn. Recently, he initiated a chat, asking how I was doing and everything. But the conversation was really short, neither he nor I know what we can talk about and it ended silently. Maybe it has been too long since we last met, there isn’t much we can really chat about. It could also have been me feeling awkward since that last meet up we had. But I really have no idea.

A Pair of Rings

A pair of rings was made to order, upon it was to engrave the identity of its owner. The ring has a coarsely finished with freehand writings engraved on the exterior. The symbols on the surfaces were not easily readable as they were in Hebrew, and on one of them has my name on it. The one with the smaller ring size read “ God’s Beloved – June Lim ”, its mine for all its eternality . Upon the other, it wrote “ God’s Beloved ” in a masculine form. I just thought that rings should come in a pair, one masculine and the other feminine.

I have no idea if this other ring will stay with me forever, or it will be a gift to someone worthy. I did secretly wish that I would have the chance to present this gift. He need not be someone who will spend the rest of his life companying mine, or vice versa. But I do know that it would have to be a special that would receive this gift. I really hope that he wouldn’t mistake it for a marriage proposal.

This ring carries 2 meanings :
§ A reminder that no matters what happens, you will always be God’s beloved. Nothing is going to change that; it has never been changed in the past, not now nor will it in the future. God loves you, ABBA loves you.
§ A part of me will always be with you, just as the ring is with you. Likewise, I have kept the best of you, somewhere in my heart, somewhere that will always be yours.

Looking at the rings, I doubted that I would ever give it away. I put on mine ring on, it fitted right. Somewhere within, I felt warmth. But a sense of restriction soon came after. I look onto my right hand, in the very center of my palm lies the other ring. It seems to be telling me that it belongs on one of my fingers of my right hand, then I realized that I have chosen to lead a self sufficient life where I long to rely on someone but ultimately will choose not to. I have already made the very choice.

Arghhhh!!!

ThinGs has not been going the way i like it to be, and now i'm back to a life style of "AS I PLS" For the past few weeks i have been struggling with self discipline, and it sort of crash last week when i started getting distracted and the need to be accepted in the grp of company i am with became huge. i relented.

For the last few days, i have seeming getting more positive responds in this grp of ppl i am with. But there is always something at the back of my mind, this grp of ppl are my customers. Getting too closer to them isnt good in a way, cos we have a role to play. But on the other hand, the training course seems to be much easier to handle becos of them. i been struggling with the training since day one, and i was on the verge to give up. I cant help but tell my fren that i did play with the tot of jus pack my bags and go home. But i think i wont, cos if i did i would be giving up... and if u rem it... i hate to give up.

And today, i got a little upset at my superior for saying me for leaving the lab area. At first i tot that i was upset at my superior for accusing me of fooling ard and not doing anything. But i left the lab to go back to the lecture room for future clarification of the lesson, thru discussion with the other trainees. Then i realized the underlying prob.

i loved my job, rather the ppl i work with, especially my superiors and colleagues who all are really concern abt me and wants to help me out. I like my job on doing all the coordination of the projects and doing some technical work, but when it comes to specialization and in the area of RFs, i'm really not that crazy abt it. I have no idea wat i like any more; a job tat more of meeting ppl or a job that jus deals with machines? i dunno how to choose. i tot that this issue could be shelved for another 6-9mths when my bond had been fulfilled, but nope... this root prob is affecting my work performance, to an extend that it has failed my own xpectations. My xpectations has always been the minimum reference bar for myself, if i cant be accountable to myself then how m i suppose to be answerable to my boss???

Would i be better if i ask my boss to tell me what he wants me to do, like give me a clearly defined area where he wants me to fulfill the tasks he has in mind... Or maybe asking him to jus leave everything to me to fend for myself? In such cases, the failure rate is v. high, but i think i might be able to pull through it marginally at least with maximum learning. I'm a very hands-on person, tell me and giving me step by step instructions to do things will only make me more redundant and me less confident of my work capabilities. If i think my cap is low, then i will just not do it. Cos i dun like to do things badly, especially when u are indirectly reminding me that i am not up to job.

XXX XXXX XXXX,
its not that you are not a good boss, jus that you seems to be disapprove of everything i do. i know you wanna save time and money and effort, so that the task gets completed efficiently. But the way you show yr guidance to me, seems to be tell me that i am incompetent. Since i am incompetent, what more can u expect from me?!!!

I am already trying my best to understand WATS going on. I know that you are quite tired and especially fed-up with me for not being able to ease yr burden. But u exclude me from all the on goings on day one and tell me u wan me to concentrate on the training… fine… I concentrate and try my best to understand and learn. Now you say I am not helping out with the work?!!! What the heck?! You excluded me from all preparations activities and I am totally clueless. How in the world you expect me to know what to do and when to do? Now you’re telling me that I am wrong to go get my clarifications and I shld jus stand in the lab like a vase? You have no idea wats going to happen and you say you wanna prepare. What am I suppose to do when you already have no idea. You charted the preparation works and you have no idea, I who has been left our and is clueless is suppose to know wat hap and wat to do next?! I really dun understand.

I have already made up my mind to leave and I dun think you would wan me to stay either, believe me, I am sincerely try to make things less diff when I leave… especially in the projects I am involve. Pls. do not encourage me to play with the idea if being irresponsible would make me feel les pekchek.

PS. Pls. excuse me, I’m jus letting off some steam. Dun really mean wat I said yah…

A reminder!

Sometimes i have this prob of forgetting this and that, i'm not exactly a scatterbrain but its just that i really have a very short memory. Hey! Dun judge too fast oki... memory no good may be a good thing, especially when it comes to grudges oki...

As i was saying... i want to remind myself who i am and so i stepped into a shop and got the boss to custom made something for me, a BIG REMINDER for me. OK, brace yrselves... i went to get myelf a pair of customized rings. yes, i said 1 pair... Both engraved with the words, GOD'S BELOVED... and one of them has my name... on the other one is nameless at the moment.

I'm a christian and i keep forgetting that i am greatly bless, deeply love and highly favored by GOD! I gotten myself this ring, and i am not going to take it down. And if one day, i am able to cross that hurdle in me, and meet someone that i love other than Mr xxxx, this will be for him. I know that he will appear, just that i dunno his name.

Oki, guys... time for my dinner... time to find a CHEAPER DINNER becos i jus spent a BOMB on the rings! Au Revoir!

No idea

Was reading my blog, since I really have no idea wat I want to do, its sort of a waste of time but then that’s not the point here. I came across one blog which I dun think anyone of u are able to read as well. It was coded in one of those Chinese fonts, which I have no idea I can make it readable again. Guess I had written that when I was really upset and not check if the blog went through.

For now, I guess it wouldn’t really matter any more I guess. What’s been lost is lost, wat is past is past, and wat matters is NOW! I have made my choices and I know wat I am playing with, so I decided not to play.

Ppl always say wat goes ard comes ard, and I only experienced that lately. Its not that I’m not up to it to play this game, but I really have no idea how I shld react. I guess at some level it did hit something inside of me, something impt.

It was a simple childish thing that I shldnt be bothered with, like being made fun of by pairing me up with another single guy. I’m not really bothered with those teasing, but it has really made me feel awkward. I have no idea how I shld react and therefore, I keep still and keep quiet. Another taboo was that the other victim, other than me, is a business associate. So, I am really sort of at loss at the situation, fearing it might do damage to my representation image of my company. At another level, I really hope to befriend him, cos he is living in an area near me. I tend to befriend ppl who live near me cos it would be easier for me to meet them up, especially I have those instantaneous / spontaneous spirit. Those who know me, are aware and respond almost immediately to my phone call to chill out at some coffee place or tea drinking hangouts and even supper spots. I guess this may be the one friend that I cant befriend… teasing/gossips are really damaging.

But on the other hand I am really afraid that something might be wrong here. I have been alone for so long, it was an unconscious choice that I made and it has sabotage a few possible relationships. Yea, I do want to some company, but then I dun think I can handle it. Its sad isn’t it.

There is this someone whom I will never forget and he who will always have a special place in my heart. No matter wat happened, it happened and I have let those go… I do love him still, but I will not condone what he has done. Therefore, I have made my choice to love him from a distance, without him knowing. Loving him is my choice and I have chosen to do it quietly and independently.

I love you, but I do not want you to know,
Cos I know you wont cherish it.
I have forgiven you, but I do not want you to know,
Lest we walk back the same path again.
I will never forget you, cos I do not know how.
But I will never want to cross path with you.
Don’t say you are sorry, cos I know you dun mean it.
Just leave things they are, everything is fine now.
At least I think am fine now, with this arrangement.