Arghhhh!!!

ThinGs has not been going the way i like it to be, and now i'm back to a life style of "AS I PLS" For the past few weeks i have been struggling with self discipline, and it sort of crash last week when i started getting distracted and the need to be accepted in the grp of company i am with became huge. i relented.

For the last few days, i have seeming getting more positive responds in this grp of ppl i am with. But there is always something at the back of my mind, this grp of ppl are my customers. Getting too closer to them isnt good in a way, cos we have a role to play. But on the other hand, the training course seems to be much easier to handle becos of them. i been struggling with the training since day one, and i was on the verge to give up. I cant help but tell my fren that i did play with the tot of jus pack my bags and go home. But i think i wont, cos if i did i would be giving up... and if u rem it... i hate to give up.

And today, i got a little upset at my superior for saying me for leaving the lab area. At first i tot that i was upset at my superior for accusing me of fooling ard and not doing anything. But i left the lab to go back to the lecture room for future clarification of the lesson, thru discussion with the other trainees. Then i realized the underlying prob.

i loved my job, rather the ppl i work with, especially my superiors and colleagues who all are really concern abt me and wants to help me out. I like my job on doing all the coordination of the projects and doing some technical work, but when it comes to specialization and in the area of RFs, i'm really not that crazy abt it. I have no idea wat i like any more; a job tat more of meeting ppl or a job that jus deals with machines? i dunno how to choose. i tot that this issue could be shelved for another 6-9mths when my bond had been fulfilled, but nope... this root prob is affecting my work performance, to an extend that it has failed my own xpectations. My xpectations has always been the minimum reference bar for myself, if i cant be accountable to myself then how m i suppose to be answerable to my boss???

Would i be better if i ask my boss to tell me what he wants me to do, like give me a clearly defined area where he wants me to fulfill the tasks he has in mind... Or maybe asking him to jus leave everything to me to fend for myself? In such cases, the failure rate is v. high, but i think i might be able to pull through it marginally at least with maximum learning. I'm a very hands-on person, tell me and giving me step by step instructions to do things will only make me more redundant and me less confident of my work capabilities. If i think my cap is low, then i will just not do it. Cos i dun like to do things badly, especially when u are indirectly reminding me that i am not up to job.

XXX XXXX XXXX,
its not that you are not a good boss, jus that you seems to be disapprove of everything i do. i know you wanna save time and money and effort, so that the task gets completed efficiently. But the way you show yr guidance to me, seems to be tell me that i am incompetent. Since i am incompetent, what more can u expect from me?!!!

I am already trying my best to understand WATS going on. I know that you are quite tired and especially fed-up with me for not being able to ease yr burden. But u exclude me from all the on goings on day one and tell me u wan me to concentrate on the training… fine… I concentrate and try my best to understand and learn. Now you say I am not helping out with the work?!!! What the heck?! You excluded me from all preparations activities and I am totally clueless. How in the world you expect me to know what to do and when to do? Now you’re telling me that I am wrong to go get my clarifications and I shld jus stand in the lab like a vase? You have no idea wats going to happen and you say you wanna prepare. What am I suppose to do when you already have no idea. You charted the preparation works and you have no idea, I who has been left our and is clueless is suppose to know wat hap and wat to do next?! I really dun understand.

I have already made up my mind to leave and I dun think you would wan me to stay either, believe me, I am sincerely try to make things less diff when I leave… especially in the projects I am involve. Pls. do not encourage me to play with the idea if being irresponsible would make me feel les pekchek.

PS. Pls. excuse me, I’m jus letting off some steam. Dun really mean wat I said yah…