Fear

Will be heading home in a couple of days and the tension is getting stronger within me, each night my heart beats hard and fast, seemingly expecting something to happen. Maybe I am too worried about going back. Dun get me wrong, but I’m delighted to be able to head home, but I am worried about being a disappointment at work. My superior hasn’t seen exactly the best of me during this period of one month, and personally I cannot accept this rotten attitude. He has been very patient with me, and I really appreciate that. There are times where I suspect that he is at a complete loss in how to manage me… Trust me, its no easy task to be my superior.

My current working environment is absolutely wonderful; everyone is genuinely concern for each other in the department, at least that’s what I think it is. Ever since I have been contemplating about a job change, a chain reaction triggered off, and it resulted in a great effect on my work performance. This has caught the attention of my bosses and are very concern about it. One is telling me that I do not have to taken upon all the responsibilities for whatever goes wrong around. Another is telling me to find someone I can trust to talk to, and they welcome me to share with him. Yet another one is teaching me how to manage my finances, utilizing my benefits and getting my claims done right that I may be able to get the greens back. This is one place where I will not bear to part easily.

Then there is the dilemma from the other side of the coin, my pay and designation has not change much in the last 4 plus years. The critical factor here is the field that I am suppose to be in for as long as I stay in this job – RF industry. This is one field that didn’t get off on the right foot with me; it has neither been a favorite nor the recent efforts made any progress in it. I know this is one topic that I am really not interested in. I enjoyed the work I had been involved in while outsourced to an agency, the coordination and management of the systems were a joy. Nothing of the scope has change, except that it’s a different playing field and there is a need to be really in depth to it. But I guess the biggest difference is I know what I must do, can do and able to do. I knew clearly what where my boundaries and what is the area of field I can work with. I’m not quite sure what is different this time round, but I do feel quite lost.

Then there is the pressure from home; something that I have been trying to shrug off, but it’s coming on strong, with each blow, is reducing me to a state of despair and distress. It’s not exactly pressure from home, but rather it’s something that I put upon myself when my family comments on it. Everyone is right, with the paper qualifications I have, and the close to 5yrs of technical hands on experience, I can easily find another job which pays me better. There may be better prospects, but the biggest obstacle is my lack of confidence. I am afraid I may not get a better job, or a job, which may not be something that I like to do. Or I may be really unlucky that instead of a pay rise, I would have to accept a worse off job on top of a pay cut. Or what if I can’t perform the job to the expectations of the new employers?!! There are so many what if and unknown… I am really afraid.


=> Child, you are mine.
Who would be able to curse you when I bless you?
What curse can stand my blessings?!!
Leave your worries and trust in me.
I am GOD, YOUR Heavenly Father…
I am the one you call ABBA.
Remember that I am ABLE…….
DO NOT FEAR, for I AM WITH YOU.