Today is the EVE's of 2006 New Year Day's EVE...
And i am not in the place where i fondly call home.
Instead, i am at a place where i once dreaded to be, on the very day i arrived on this distant land. Though i am accompanied by the head of the family, seems like i am bogging him down like a horse carrying cargo...
Think i will wanna be more adventurous and go out more, or jus find somewhere to sit down and start writing my blogs on ink and paper, so tat i can put it up when i get back home. Internet is really scarce here, good internet places i mean... places where i can stay the whole day without feeling queer or like an animal in the cage...
Well, think i better go now, the shop seems to be closing........
CIAOZ.....
Friday, December 30, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
游戲機
隨著年齡的增長﹐人的慾望和需求也會不同。
但是﹐這一切的嚮往都是為了滿足自己內心的一個洞。。。
這洞感覺上好象是怎麼也填不滿的黑洞。
就像一台游戲機。。。
如果你投的是零錢而不是那商店規定的游戲硬幣﹐
再多的零錢你也是不可能開動它的。
又如果你投的游戲硬幣是對的﹐
那游戲機也只不過是被你啟動罷了。。。
過了一段時間後﹐它還是會關機。
唯有游戲機的主人才有能力讓游戲不停地延續﹐
應為只有主人才會知道游戲機需要的是什么﹐
也只有他才能夠滿足游戲機﹐
讓那游戲繼續下去。
游戲機只是一台機器﹐
即使它是多么多麼的精彩﹐
多麼多么的厲害﹐它還是一台機械﹐
它雖然可以設定一些電腦程序來應付某些問題﹐
但它的結構並不是為了自救而設計的。
它唯一能為自己做的是接不接受外來的硬幣, 外來的幫助。
但是﹐這一切的嚮往都是為了滿足自己內心的一個洞。。。
這洞感覺上好象是怎麼也填不滿的黑洞。
就像一台游戲機。。。
如果你投的是零錢而不是那商店規定的游戲硬幣﹐
再多的零錢你也是不可能開動它的。
又如果你投的游戲硬幣是對的﹐
那游戲機也只不過是被你啟動罷了。。。
過了一段時間後﹐它還是會關機。
唯有游戲機的主人才有能力讓游戲不停地延續﹐
應為只有主人才會知道游戲機需要的是什么﹐
也只有他才能夠滿足游戲機﹐
讓那游戲繼續下去。
游戲機只是一台機器﹐
即使它是多么多麼的精彩﹐
多麼多么的厲害﹐它還是一台機械﹐
它雖然可以設定一些電腦程序來應付某些問題﹐
但它的結構並不是為了自救而設計的。
它唯一能為自己做的是接不接受外來的硬幣, 外來的幫助。
Sunday, November 06, 2005
The days when u are not feeling well.......
Been sick for a couple of days, not only did i not turn up for work, i did not even step out of the hse to throw rubbish. You can imagine how bored i was at hm... = (
All was not lost, some interesting things still does happen every now and then, yes... even when u are not feeling that up and about in the clouds... Guess the best gesture anyone showed to me this week was my dad, seeing that i was bored for days, he asked me along to visit a family fren whom we had not seen in years. Since i was super bored, of cos i went along lah... Think my dad was really really nice to bring me out for a breather, though i end up watching TV at their hse instead of our own... but i do feel damn good abt it... hehehe
And the following day, which was yesterday, i had to go back to office to check on my stuffs before a major assignment is to be executed on monday. After a whole day at Jurong east, i finalyl tidied up and return to my weekend. Later in the nite, i was even more glad to have found ppl to go kopi with... and it turned out to be more than wat we had expected... hahahaha...
After going to Bliss, we decided to leave alit earlier than usual, cos it was quite noisy and a lit too cool for us. After loitering ard we finally ended up at some study corner like-place at a void deck,
taking out the deck of poker cards was the key to having a strange but damn funny encounter. I took out the cards which we bought the last time round, and usually we would be using it to play some silly games or some "current update status" thingie to amuses ourselves...
Then first came along a strange uncle with his family, comment ALOUD (so loud until i think ppl who were deaf could hear lor) the study ard so nice and seeing us with the cards, he immediately said "WOW not bad ah... CAN PLAY CARDS SOME MORE AH!" At that moment, i could slap him in the face, but then i fell to laffing non stop... cos i never seen a more mountain tortise UNCLE b4 man.... wow liew.... throw him out pls!!!
Oki... like tat nvm, cos after a while he FINALLY left... THANK GOD!!!!!!! But the fun does not end there, cos we only had abt 5-10 mins of rest before someone else came near and spoke to us... They wanted to borrow the poker cards from us, at first i was wondering wat the heck and was quite cautious cos suddenly the grp of the seems to surround us... and they were all wearing a uniform yellow tee... Then he finally make himself clear... he said... he said... said.... HE WANTED TO SHOW US SOME MAGIC TRICKS! Immediately, we burst out laughing....
WOW LIEW! how would u response??? Anyway we let him perform his tricks, and ended up they join us in for DaiDee... but after a while everyone was very bored watching the 4 of us play, we decided to get them to show another trick. Think we HA-LA with them quite abit to get rid of the awkwardness... But eventually they left us alone and then left the place soono after... The tricks that they performed were quite good, jus that perheps they chose the wrong audiences bah... i was like 10yrs older than one of the gals... which i believe there maybe more than 1...
Wish i could have written clearer and described better, damn funny nite....
All was not lost, some interesting things still does happen every now and then, yes... even when u are not feeling that up and about in the clouds... Guess the best gesture anyone showed to me this week was my dad, seeing that i was bored for days, he asked me along to visit a family fren whom we had not seen in years. Since i was super bored, of cos i went along lah... Think my dad was really really nice to bring me out for a breather, though i end up watching TV at their hse instead of our own... but i do feel damn good abt it... hehehe
And the following day, which was yesterday, i had to go back to office to check on my stuffs before a major assignment is to be executed on monday. After a whole day at Jurong east, i finalyl tidied up and return to my weekend. Later in the nite, i was even more glad to have found ppl to go kopi with... and it turned out to be more than wat we had expected... hahahaha...
After going to Bliss, we decided to leave alit earlier than usual, cos it was quite noisy and a lit too cool for us. After loitering ard we finally ended up at some study corner like-place at a void deck,
taking out the deck of poker cards was the key to having a strange but damn funny encounter. I took out the cards which we bought the last time round, and usually we would be using it to play some silly games or some "current update status" thingie to amuses ourselves...
Then first came along a strange uncle with his family, comment ALOUD (so loud until i think ppl who were deaf could hear lor) the study ard so nice and seeing us with the cards, he immediately said "WOW not bad ah... CAN PLAY CARDS SOME MORE AH!" At that moment, i could slap him in the face, but then i fell to laffing non stop... cos i never seen a more mountain tortise UNCLE b4 man.... wow liew.... throw him out pls!!!
Oki... like tat nvm, cos after a while he FINALLY left... THANK GOD!!!!!!! But the fun does not end there, cos we only had abt 5-10 mins of rest before someone else came near and spoke to us... They wanted to borrow the poker cards from us, at first i was wondering wat the heck and was quite cautious cos suddenly the grp of the seems to surround us... and they were all wearing a uniform yellow tee... Then he finally make himself clear... he said... he said... said.... HE WANTED TO SHOW US SOME MAGIC TRICKS! Immediately, we burst out laughing....
WOW LIEW! how would u response??? Anyway we let him perform his tricks, and ended up they join us in for DaiDee... but after a while everyone was very bored watching the 4 of us play, we decided to get them to show another trick. Think we HA-LA with them quite abit to get rid of the awkwardness... But eventually they left us alone and then left the place soono after... The tricks that they performed were quite good, jus that perheps they chose the wrong audiences bah... i was like 10yrs older than one of the gals... which i believe there maybe more than 1...
Wish i could have written clearer and described better, damn funny nite....
Saturday, November 05, 2005
That's What Friends Are For
Artist : Warwick Dionne
Assorted Songs without album
Song : That's What Friends Are For
And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned,
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
Well you came in loving me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you
Oh and then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
These words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
Assorted Songs without album
Song : That's What Friends Are For
And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned,
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
Well you came in loving me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you
Oh and then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
These words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
Friday, November 04, 2005
最想念的人
"knock knock" 啊 "knock knock" 。。。
你现在应该很好吧。。。
从我离开了那个地方，我们就没联络了。
也不知道为什麽没联络，
可能是我们俩都是喜欢碰面多过通电话的人吧。
我们在MSN或电话中都是沉默的，
见了面也不是有说不尽的话；
就是几乎每天都在一起,
很享受彼此的做伴。。。
三更半夜是我们吃宵夜的时间；
记得我们肚子饿的时候，
是你骑着脚车去买的。
我就在我家窗边等，
等你到了我才拿着叉子和纸巾下楼，
一起供用那香味十足的印度煎饼。。。
虽然过了那末久，
但我还记得以前的一切。。。
希望你没有忘记我。。。
希望你偶尔有想起我，
希望你偶尔有想念过我。
因为我真得很想你.
(I know u will never get to see this blog, but i still i chose to write in chinese. Precisely because i know yr chinese is alot worse than mine. In this way, you will nv noe wat i wrote even if u were to stumble in... ^_^)
你现在应该很好吧。。。
从我离开了那个地方，我们就没联络了。
也不知道为什麽没联络，
可能是我们俩都是喜欢碰面多过通电话的人吧。
我们在MSN或电话中都是沉默的，
见了面也不是有说不尽的话；
就是几乎每天都在一起,
很享受彼此的做伴。。。
三更半夜是我们吃宵夜的时间；
记得我们肚子饿的时候，
是你骑着脚车去买的。
我就在我家窗边等，
等你到了我才拿着叉子和纸巾下楼，
一起供用那香味十足的印度煎饼。。。
虽然过了那末久，
但我还记得以前的一切。。。
希望你没有忘记我。。。
希望你偶尔有想起我，
希望你偶尔有想念过我。
因为我真得很想你.
(I know u will never get to see this blog, but i still i chose to write in chinese. Precisely because i know yr chinese is alot worse than mine. In this way, you will nv noe wat i wrote even if u were to stumble in... ^_^)
奇怪不奇怪
[ “ 我以后不会再多说话了。。。 能有多沉默我就尽量沉默。。。“ ]
我不记得说这句的原因，只记得那时是我对莫事的绝望。
我仍记得他的无奈表情，和他低沉的声音说那番话。。。
那时我只感觉他只是要安慰我， 说了一惯的台词。。。
但不知道为什麽， 现在听了/想起了，会让我又惊讶又感动又安慰；
不知道为什麽，当时没听进他那番话
也不知道是不是我多心，现在的我回想时总觉得那番话好像另有含义？
。 。 。 。 。 。
真得很奇怪。。。
但更玄的是。。。
已经隔了那末久得一番话
为何我还记得那麽清楚？
。
。
。
是不知道，还是不想知道呢？
我不记得说这句的原因，只记得那时是我对莫事的绝望。
我仍记得他的无奈表情，和他低沉的声音说那番话。。。
那时我只感觉他只是要安慰我， 说了一惯的台词。。。
但不知道为什麽， 现在听了/想起了，会让我又惊讶又感动又安慰；
不知道为什麽，当时没听进他那番话
也不知道是不是我多心，现在的我回想时总觉得那番话好像另有含义？
。 。 。 。 。 。
真得很奇怪。。。
但更玄的是。。。
已经隔了那末久得一番话
为何我还记得那麽清楚？
。
。
。
是不知道，还是不想知道呢？
Monday, October 31, 2005
Fav Hobby
As i was growing up, the adults around me always tell me to think before i act, lest i have to bear the consequences...... which mainly refers to the unpleasant ones. We are trained to avoid the things that we dun not wan or situations that we may render ourselves in. And now i realized that we should be thinking more of how we shld train ourselves to look at the targets we like to ACHIEVE, the things WE WANT! Rather than thinking we shouldnt do this and that because it i dun wanna to fail or get hurt, we should be thinking what is our goal, how to get there and how exactly should i start off...
(Good point! Gemini #2 you have spoken well, Gemini #1 will take note)
Writing this 1st paragraph really got me thinking... and i noticed another issue that i have been struggling and still is... A certain ex-colleague gave me his observation of me, before he left. He said i have a very special hobby, and this hobby is nothing good or bad, its just how u look at it and how u use it.
For ppl like me, who has very little concentration span, hobby is not a common word that is in my possession. And it stirred up alot of my tots... By now, you might already noticed what the "hobby" is... He said:" You seems to have alot on yr mind, so much that probably thinking has become yr hobby rather than jus a process that goes on in yr head." In these recent weeks, i been having overwhelming feedback regarding this hobby of mine. And all these reminded me of a story that has been going round for quite a long time......
------------------------------------------------------------
A grp of frens decided to take time off and enjoy their weekend at the beach. They got all excited and decided to jus packed and go. When they arrived at the beach, the sun was shining and the weather was good... The worries abt the beach being overcrowded were forgotten as soon as they reached there. Seeing the grps of ppl having fun completely took their focus off abt too many ppl and no space for them.
The grp of frens settled down and laid out their stuffs, its time for them to enjoy. Two of grp decided to go cycling, another one wanted to just lay in the sun and enjoy the warmth... The last of the 2 were quite undecided of what they wanted to do... One ask the other if she wanted to go to join in on cycling, but the other looked ard and replied that there were too many ppl and cycling wouldnt be much fun if they end up losing each other in the crowd. She counter-proposed on having a splashing good time in the water, but the fren worry abt the water being unclean and the sharp stones in the seabed that may cut their feet.
The discussion went on for sometime, then they finally decided to go for a walk ard. Then they realized that their suntanning fren had fallen asleep and feeling that it would be unsafe to leave the fren and their belongings unguarded, they decided to stay put and chit chat. The day went on and they all ended their beach day with a nice dinner.
------------------------------------------------------------
As usual, ppl reading this might not understand wat i am writing, but its not a prob......
Cause i noe wat i am writing... especially when i am writing to myself and not directing a mail to YOU or U or YOU... ^_^
Anyway, my conclusion is...
Thinking is a process that goes on in my mind for decision making and problem solving, or even forseeing of certain events / consequences... It is not a characteristic or a habit that i should or can get rid of, its a necesscity in not only my life, but to all. Though it may disable me in certain areas, but there are also alot of areas where it can enable me to do a better job, or make a decision.
The clarity i have now is that, i have to watch myself and be careful on overdoing in thinking... afterall too mcuh of everything is good. I should learn and keep checks on myself if i have think too much, or if i should jus take a chance and jump into something.
I used to think that calculated risk taking is the best option we can have, and to do that alot of thoughts has to be put into it... But now i find that if we take too long to calculate the risk, it will render the calculation to be ineffective. As time is not a constant element , all things changes as the next second / minute or even hour approaches. Maybe i should really watch the time i used to consider or decide on the things i need to do, i want to do and i choose to do......
(Good point! Gemini #2 you have spoken well, Gemini #1 will take note)
Writing this 1st paragraph really got me thinking... and i noticed another issue that i have been struggling and still is... A certain ex-colleague gave me his observation of me, before he left. He said i have a very special hobby, and this hobby is nothing good or bad, its just how u look at it and how u use it.
For ppl like me, who has very little concentration span, hobby is not a common word that is in my possession. And it stirred up alot of my tots... By now, you might already noticed what the "hobby" is... He said:" You seems to have alot on yr mind, so much that probably thinking has become yr hobby rather than jus a process that goes on in yr head." In these recent weeks, i been having overwhelming feedback regarding this hobby of mine. And all these reminded me of a story that has been going round for quite a long time......
------------------------------------------------------------
A grp of frens decided to take time off and enjoy their weekend at the beach. They got all excited and decided to jus packed and go. When they arrived at the beach, the sun was shining and the weather was good... The worries abt the beach being overcrowded were forgotten as soon as they reached there. Seeing the grps of ppl having fun completely took their focus off abt too many ppl and no space for them.
The grp of frens settled down and laid out their stuffs, its time for them to enjoy. Two of grp decided to go cycling, another one wanted to just lay in the sun and enjoy the warmth... The last of the 2 were quite undecided of what they wanted to do... One ask the other if she wanted to go to join in on cycling, but the other looked ard and replied that there were too many ppl and cycling wouldnt be much fun if they end up losing each other in the crowd. She counter-proposed on having a splashing good time in the water, but the fren worry abt the water being unclean and the sharp stones in the seabed that may cut their feet.
The discussion went on for sometime, then they finally decided to go for a walk ard. Then they realized that their suntanning fren had fallen asleep and feeling that it would be unsafe to leave the fren and their belongings unguarded, they decided to stay put and chit chat. The day went on and they all ended their beach day with a nice dinner.
------------------------------------------------------------
As usual, ppl reading this might not understand wat i am writing, but its not a prob......
Cause i noe wat i am writing... especially when i am writing to myself and not directing a mail to YOU or U or YOU... ^_^
Anyway, my conclusion is...
Thinking is a process that goes on in my mind for decision making and problem solving, or even forseeing of certain events / consequences... It is not a characteristic or a habit that i should or can get rid of, its a necesscity in not only my life, but to all. Though it may disable me in certain areas, but there are also alot of areas where it can enable me to do a better job, or make a decision.
The clarity i have now is that, i have to watch myself and be careful on overdoing in thinking... afterall too mcuh of everything is good. I should learn and keep checks on myself if i have think too much, or if i should jus take a chance and jump into something.
I used to think that calculated risk taking is the best option we can have, and to do that alot of thoughts has to be put into it... But now i find that if we take too long to calculate the risk, it will render the calculation to be ineffective. As time is not a constant element , all things changes as the next second / minute or even hour approaches. Maybe i should really watch the time i used to consider or decide on the things i need to do, i want to do and i choose to do......
Thursday, October 20, 2005
2005-10 KL weekend getaway! (Part 02)
SHOPPING STARTO!
Shopping centre at the lower levels of the KL's Twin Tower. (We like to call it KL's Paragon, all the branded stuffs...)
Look wat we found!!!YUMMY DRAUGHT ROOTBEER FLOAT AND WAFFLES WITH ICE CREAM!!!!
A Nice view @ 10am from the Twin Tower's bridge...The lift went at one floor per second speed to get us up the 41st level, where the bridge links the two towers.
------ Paused for shopping break! ----- SHOP SHOP SHOP ------
(Hmm... abit too ex for our budget shopping... )
(Time to change shopping centre!)
(We hasten our footsteps and rushed to the 2nd largest shopping centre in KL)
Finally, its lunch at 2.30pm...Good spread of vietnamese lunch,
they tasted REALLY GOOD!
To my greatest horror, everyone bought something and by lunch everyone was showing off their spoils... ALAS! I'm empty handed!!! Filling my tummy at lunch made me felt alot better and HO HO HO ...... (Bought a Tee, a jacket, some sweets... just before we head for KL's LARGEST shopping centre!)
------ Next stop: BIGGEST shopping centre in KL! -----
This is one horrible shopping centre... SO BIG! They have 3 sections to the building and its all 10 storey tall!!! This is one shopping centre that i waved my white flag! boo hooo........ too big liao lah!!! Feet pain pain!!!With the tummies protesting, we were promised a GREAT dinner of ZI CHAR by our "tour guide"...... DINNER!!!! YUM YUM YUM!!!
Verdict of the trip:
For the next day's shopping the Shopping King emerged, Mr MxxxCxxx claimed the throne without feeling any tireness from shopping and expressed his wishes to shop more as his shopping passion has yet to be satisfied... (But the rest of us already wave white flags... and could walk no more... Esp... Miss Fruity and i escape to foot reflexo... only she had the massage, cos my sprained ankle hasnt seems to heal.)
2005-10 KL weekend getaway! (Part 01)
A trip of walking, eating, sleeping and eating and shopping and eating and more shopping....
It felt like a prep trip for an all HongKong experience...
But we were only going to KL for 2 days... diaoz.....
TIGER TEH ICE! Gives you energy to go back hotel to wash up and start the day of shopping and eating and...... walk walk walk walk walk......
It felt like a prep trip for an all HongKong experience...
But we were only going to KL for 2 days... diaoz.....
1st MEAL of the GETAWAY - DINNER AT JB's small alley
Then following is our breakfast at an unknown small stall in a street behind our hotel. It was 5+ am in the morning... And the sky was still DARK!
Qn: "Uncle.... You all open 24hrs wan ah....?"
Ans: "No lar... We all 23hrs wan... See the signboard!"
TIGER TEH ICE! Gives you energy to go back hotel to wash up and start the day of shopping and eating and...... walk walk walk walk walk......Sunday, September 25, 2005
ALIVE 2005
Till now i'm still unsure of wat ALIVE 2005 is, but i do know its a volunteer program support for the GraceHaven Home for the year 2005. I have no idea what the home does exactly than it shelters children from a certain background. Then u might ask why i wanna to join in anyway, after all the above statement did sound like a 100% non-sincere participation. The greatest reason of all is that i have always like to be with kids, jus that i dun trust myself with that must responsibilities. But i truly did enjoy being able to participate in yesterday's DAY CAMP thoroughly.
Its really been a long time since i been surrounded with so many young kids ranging from pre teen to teenages... They seemed intimidating when they arrived and i was really nervous when i saw that the only language they speak were hokkien with lotsa "#$%#^#". Anyway to cut the long story short, a bond was form within our grp... the smiles on their faces were the best thing i saw in a long time. As i recount the day's event, i saw myself in a way which i had no seen for years... in other words, i found the me that i lost along the way to now.
i have no words to describe how i lost it, or found it and even how i feel abt it. I'm jus pleasantly surprised that it came back subtlely thru the event.
SideNotes:
I was told by the committee that the kids were afraid of me, after the first 2 games we hosted, and they were glad that they all listened to me during the time we executed the games. hehehe they are a grp of kids where violence is their main expression of their feeling (mainly anger) and they did enjoyed and keep the rules of the games were truly a great gratification to me.
Its really been a long time since i been surrounded with so many young kids ranging from pre teen to teenages... They seemed intimidating when they arrived and i was really nervous when i saw that the only language they speak were hokkien with lotsa "#$%#^#". Anyway to cut the long story short, a bond was form within our grp... the smiles on their faces were the best thing i saw in a long time. As i recount the day's event, i saw myself in a way which i had no seen for years... in other words, i found the me that i lost along the way to now.
i have no words to describe how i lost it, or found it and even how i feel abt it. I'm jus pleasantly surprised that it came back subtlely thru the event.
SideNotes:
I was told by the committee that the kids were afraid of me, after the first 2 games we hosted, and they were glad that they all listened to me during the time we executed the games. hehehe they are a grp of kids where violence is their main expression of their feeling (mainly anger) and they did enjoyed and keep the rules of the games were truly a great gratification to me.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Living in my own little world
Sometimes its really sad when u realized that you have grown up (and for ppl like me... i grew out and away from my childhood). I just got back from attending a relative's wedding dinner, he is my distant cousin whom we love to be around... He was like a big brother taking care of us, playing with us. i still rem that there were 5 of us, excluding the elder brother who always seems to be taking advantage of us in the past... hee... There was his distant relative and him, then me and his younger brother and finally my sis.
But today at his wedding dinner, we all have become so distant to each other. I think we all barely spoke more than 1 min to one another bah. Of course, my sis and myself had lots to talk abt but to him or the younger brother or to his distant relative, all seems to have been forgotten.
I have to admit that i have barely been concern with the things happening ard me, be it in my company or my relatives, even my own father... i would be ignorant or the last to know. Its kinda sad when i had to mentioned my father in this, cos i wouldnt know when he will be back in SG or when will he be flying off to somewhere else... the best part is... i dun even noe where is he sometimes... sad rite?
Guess i have been too selfish, i really didnt wanna know things that i shouldnt know or things tat do not concern me... just as i am afraid of being restricted, i would not want to interfer is other ppl's affairs, but it has turned out to be bo chup-ness...
It's so scary to be unfeeling to one's own family.
But today at his wedding dinner, we all have become so distant to each other. I think we all barely spoke more than 1 min to one another bah. Of course, my sis and myself had lots to talk abt but to him or the younger brother or to his distant relative, all seems to have been forgotten.
I have to admit that i have barely been concern with the things happening ard me, be it in my company or my relatives, even my own father... i would be ignorant or the last to know. Its kinda sad when i had to mentioned my father in this, cos i wouldnt know when he will be back in SG or when will he be flying off to somewhere else... the best part is... i dun even noe where is he sometimes... sad rite?
Guess i have been too selfish, i really didnt wanna know things that i shouldnt know or things tat do not concern me... just as i am afraid of being restricted, i would not want to interfer is other ppl's affairs, but it has turned out to be bo chup-ness...
It's so scary to be unfeeling to one's own family.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
The new tenant in my room - JJ
Yesterday, my hse accepted a tenant name JJ... This little tenant is only a temp passerby, but the HUHA it caused was not small. He's petite, he's cute and he is a very well behaved little fellow. The only imperfection is that he cant talk... sigh... he looks at me with such innocent eyes and i looked at him with my puzzled face... How i wish i know wat he wants, but then again, it would be absoutely scary if he opens his mouth and talk... i think i would freak out.
He is such an adorable little fellow, he stays by my side the moment i reach hm. He is such a loveable fellow that he gained instant acceptance with my family, everyone in the family entertains him alright!
*Yawn*
Think i'm tired, shld march rite straight to me bed, this time i think i will not let him sleep with me, lest it gets crowded. He shall have the floor.... Nitez....
Ps. Did i mentioned that he's a pup that my fren asked me to dogsit for a few days? *GRIN*
He is such an adorable little fellow, he stays by my side the moment i reach hm. He is such a loveable fellow that he gained instant acceptance with my family, everyone in the family entertains him alright!
*Yawn*
Think i'm tired, shld march rite straight to me bed, this time i think i will not let him sleep with me, lest it gets crowded. He shall have the floor.... Nitez....
Ps. Did i mentioned that he's a pup that my fren asked me to dogsit for a few days? *GRIN*
Friday, August 26, 2005
Exciting New LIFE
Gosh, i guess i'm really very excited...
See this :
------------------------------------------
Romans 8:1-3 (New King James Version)
Romans 8
Free from Indwelling Sin
1 There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,[a] who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.
------------------------------------------
See this :
------------------------------------------
Romans 8:1-3 (New King James Version)
Romans 8
Free from Indwelling Sin
1 There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,[a] who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.
------------------------------------------
I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of the LIVING GOD. He who is perfect died in my place, so that i may have life and life to the fullest. On the cross at Calvary, he exhausted the God's wrath once and for all. That i may be a NEW CREATION in CHRIST! That i am no longer under the law of sin and death, but under the law of truth and grace!
And God says that :
- NOW, there is no condemnation!!! No MORE... NOW NO MORE!!!
- I AM FREE!!! FREE from the law of sin and death, and unto the law of truth and grace!
=========================
2 Corinthians 5:16-18 (New King James Version)
16 Therefore, from now on, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him thus no longer.
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
=========================
New Creation = Believer in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Old things = Death + Sorrow + Crying + Pain
Passed away = NO MORE, D&G (DEAD & GONE)
All things have become new = Become new things...
New things = LIFE + JOY + LAUGHTER + PLEASURE
-----------------------------------
If you have never heard of the GOOD NEWS yet, i pray you do soon... That you may experience HIS wonderful LOVE, GRACE aka DIVINE FAVOUR, MERCIES and most of all... The promise of HIM never leaving nor forsaking us!
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
clueless...
I think I have a stomach full of woes, but thats only my point of view. I promised myself to resolve this knot by myself, and not play victim in the whole situation. My aim to resolve it and not play victim so tat ppl will stand on my side... I have jus one obstacle, and that is confrontation... tricky huh... *scratch head* How on earth am I suppose to resolve without facing the issue face to face?
Answer: Key word is RESOLVE here... so... face it!
Interestingly, my verse for today is Gal 5:14
(The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor, as yourself.")
Now, how am I going to apply that? I know there is some connections but I am really still quite clueless rite now. To cut the long story short, I told the person tat I am sorry and asked wat I can do to make up for the distressed I have caused.
Someone said something tat made me think, she told to me ask my fren why... and I replied with prior experiences that, asking why would be courting for trouble... But it made me think why my internal mechanism was to apologize first. And now I know... I apologized for the distress tat the person is feeling, usually when it happens, I think I would be the obvious cause of the distress rite?
But as i'm blogging this, I think my fren would be also think why am I apologizing when I have no idea wats going on... meaning = i'm patronizing... Great~ now things seems worse.
*June looks to the cross...... "ABBA, zen mo ban ?"*
Answer: Key word is RESOLVE here... so... face it!
Interestingly, my verse for today is Gal 5:14
(The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor, as yourself.")
Now, how am I going to apply that? I know there is some connections but I am really still quite clueless rite now. To cut the long story short, I told the person tat I am sorry and asked wat I can do to make up for the distressed I have caused.
Someone said something tat made me think, she told to me ask my fren why... and I replied with prior experiences that, asking why would be courting for trouble... But it made me think why my internal mechanism was to apologize first. And now I know... I apologized for the distress tat the person is feeling, usually when it happens, I think I would be the obvious cause of the distress rite?
But as i'm blogging this, I think my fren would be also think why am I apologizing when I have no idea wats going on... meaning = i'm patronizing... Great~ now things seems worse.
*June looks to the cross...... "ABBA, zen mo ban ?"*
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Maybe...
It been some time since i got back, the impact or the experience i had during that one mth now seems to vague; compared to the day that i had returned and today, i can feel myself conforming back to where i had left off before i set off for my one mth assignment. Though i am convinced that i had not experienced any drastic changes, nor feel any strong change in directions, i cant help but to ack that something is taking place inside of me. And now, all that may jus have been a 5 min enthusiasms thingie. And i am all the more sadden and disappointed if it really was jus the passion of the moment, becos i did see some good from it.
Think the same happened for me in the case of the AsiaWorks Basics Workshop; tot that i am able to join in and give my 100% participation, but i didnt. Tot that i had jus made my way thru to the workshop with my usual tactics of giving them the results and response that they are looking for and i am done... done with the workshop, cos by doing that i have benefited nothing... numero zero. But then maybe not, seems like wat i had learnt in there seems to be coming back to my consciousness. Maybe it wasnt tat bad after all, maybe i wasnt tat hopeless after all...
Maybe i really do noe wat i want now, but maybe i dun...
Maybe i did think too far ahead and get myself tangled into the web of confusion, but maybe i din?
Maybe i din wanna do it, but maybe i am just too afraid to try...
Maybe its not becos that i may not be able to win, maybe its jus becos i'm afraid i may lose...
Maybe i'm not cut out to be a leader, maybe i'm jus a follower.
Maybe i dun belong to a grp or
any grp, maybe i'm jus better off as a loner.
Maybe there is jus too many maybes...
Maybe? Maybe......
Think the same happened for me in the case of the AsiaWorks Basics Workshop; tot that i am able to join in and give my 100% participation, but i didnt. Tot that i had jus made my way thru to the workshop with my usual tactics of giving them the results and response that they are looking for and i am done... done with the workshop, cos by doing that i have benefited nothing... numero zero. But then maybe not, seems like wat i had learnt in there seems to be coming back to my consciousness. Maybe it wasnt tat bad after all, maybe i wasnt tat hopeless after all...
* * *
Maybe i really do noe wat i want now, but maybe i dun...
Maybe i did think too far ahead and get myself tangled into the web of confusion, but maybe i din?
Maybe i din wanna do it, but maybe i am just too afraid to try...
Maybe its not becos that i may not be able to win, maybe its jus becos i'm afraid i may lose...
Maybe i'm not cut out to be a leader, maybe i'm jus a follower.
Maybe i dun belong to a grp or
any grp, maybe i'm jus better off as a loner.
Maybe there is jus too many maybes...
Maybe? Maybe......
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Korean dramas
- News Flash! -
TV drama have been known to draw a family together in the comforts of their living quarters, the latest of the trend has been known as the attack of the Koreans...
Though I had promised myself to have more time to rest, living one day at a time. But I haven't really been able to fully submerge myself into 8 hrs of sleep everyday. However, it was this late nite habit of mine that Korean drama has invaded my home. Recently, I had been out and abt till late nites, even beyond the midnite hours. My mobile began to vibrate with a msg flashing across its screen, there was an incoming call from "Home Sweet Home"... Hee... me dad called and spoken in a thundering voice, wanting me to go home soon and hung up on me.
Figuring that I already incurred the wrath of my dad, I decided not to return home immediately... its always a better to be in a weather in cool than in heat. So I went on to have supper with my fren, b4 she kept saying that my tiredness has been written all over my face.
Finally, I dragged myself home... upon approaching my home door, the lights of the living room were still brightly lit... I was stunned and very apologetic thinking that my dad had waited up for me to come home, and its already 2 - 3am.
But when I opened the door, I saw my family all sited in front of the tele watching a Korean drama, which was highly recommended by almost everyone ard. Then I realized, my family din wait up for me... they waited up for the Korean drama.... staying up and watching tv is not amazing, but seeing my dad watching Korean tv drama serial... NOW THAT'S NEW!!! And the best part was, he was watching it quietly without comments or sarcastic remarks! Amazing.....
And now, in order to reconnect with my family, I think I will get myself involved in some Korean drama watching marathon... so... here I go.... tata.......
*GRIN*
TV drama have been known to draw a family together in the comforts of their living quarters, the latest of the trend has been known as the attack of the Koreans...
Though I had promised myself to have more time to rest, living one day at a time. But I haven't really been able to fully submerge myself into 8 hrs of sleep everyday. However, it was this late nite habit of mine that Korean drama has invaded my home. Recently, I had been out and abt till late nites, even beyond the midnite hours. My mobile began to vibrate with a msg flashing across its screen, there was an incoming call from "Home Sweet Home"... Hee... me dad called and spoken in a thundering voice, wanting me to go home soon and hung up on me.
Figuring that I already incurred the wrath of my dad, I decided not to return home immediately... its always a better to be in a weather in cool than in heat. So I went on to have supper with my fren, b4 she kept saying that my tiredness has been written all over my face.
Finally, I dragged myself home... upon approaching my home door, the lights of the living room were still brightly lit... I was stunned and very apologetic thinking that my dad had waited up for me to come home, and its already 2 - 3am.
But when I opened the door, I saw my family all sited in front of the tele watching a Korean drama, which was highly recommended by almost everyone ard. Then I realized, my family din wait up for me... they waited up for the Korean drama.... staying up and watching tv is not amazing, but seeing my dad watching Korean tv drama serial... NOW THAT'S NEW!!! And the best part was, he was watching it quietly without comments or sarcastic remarks! Amazing.....
And now, in order to reconnect with my family, I think I will get myself involved in some Korean drama watching marathon... so... here I go.... tata.......
*GRIN*
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Ship AHOY!
Each time i board the ship to work, i would suddenly remind how this job is not my cuppa tea. I will rem that this is one job i know i definitely i wont wanna to do, at least not for long term. And today's work has reconfirm this tot once again, just that it came on stronger than before. The aching body, the cut on the wrist that is abt 1.5 cm away from my green vein on my wrist, and the bruised arm... not forgetting the steaming hot air in the head and the sunburn on the arms (again).
But then again, i tell myself not to be rash... cos i still like most of the work i do and i do get to see alot of things that ppl normally dun get to. Maybe i jus dun like this particular project, but then this project will be my main source of bread, cos its completion date is suppose to be in 2008, seems like the schedule is slipping fast... so maybe later than 2008. So you see... how?!
I really not a big fan of climbing high high on a ship that is still under construction and standing on the staging that seems to be moving all the time. And and and and... no one seems to abide by the rules of keeping to the number of ppl on per platform lor... i will scare wan lor... the platform cannot take so many ppl wan lor... They dunno wat is safety wan meh!
GRR.....
okok... think i got my answer... think i am jus upset at this particular project...
THE END.
But then again, i tell myself not to be rash... cos i still like most of the work i do and i do get to see alot of things that ppl normally dun get to. Maybe i jus dun like this particular project, but then this project will be my main source of bread, cos its completion date is suppose to be in 2008, seems like the schedule is slipping fast... so maybe later than 2008. So you see... how?!
I really not a big fan of climbing high high on a ship that is still under construction and standing on the staging that seems to be moving all the time. And and and and... no one seems to abide by the rules of keeping to the number of ppl on per platform lor... i will scare wan lor... the platform cannot take so many ppl wan lor... They dunno wat is safety wan meh!
GRR.....
okok... think i got my answer... think i am jus upset at this particular project...
THE END.
不一樣的禮拜三
不一樣的禮拜三有多不一樣？
本來是一個重要的一天，
可是現在不重要了。。。
本來還有小計劃一下，
有小緊張一下，
有小期望一下，
有小準備一下，
有小想了一下，
但現在什麽也不要了。。。
為什麽啊？
原本很在意的原因是自己好久沒有對任何人有好感，
“有好感”， 翻譯成我的語言就是說自己終于肯給自己一個機會了。
給別人機會往往都很容易，比起給自己機會容易多了。。。
因爲如果是自己的話，我總是選擇絕望。
上次我說過我討厭放棄，
討厭那無能爲力的感覺，
並答應自己決不能放棄。。。
所以我就選擇處絕望罷了。
現在想通了，也厭倦了絕望
也漸漸開始開竅了。。。
所以
現在不想了， 什麽也不想了
因爲已不覺得重要了。。。
我並不需要用這種方法來證明什麽，
只要自己確定了真的放開了手就足夠了，
確定自己相信我和別人沒有不一樣，別人有的，我也可以擁有。。。
甚至擁有更多更好。。。
尤其是心靈和感情那一方面就足夠了。
所以不普通的禮拜三已經變普通了，
不一樣的已經是沒有什麽不一樣了。
^_^
（好像寫得有點不太對，但不管了。。。只要我懂就行了
頭腦快不行了，也沒什麽體力了。。。錯就錯吧。。。
到底去不去呢。。。就看我累不累，看我推不推得掉吧。）
本來是一個重要的一天，
可是現在不重要了。。。
本來還有小計劃一下，
有小緊張一下，
有小期望一下，
有小準備一下，
有小想了一下，
但現在什麽也不要了。。。
為什麽啊？
原本很在意的原因是自己好久沒有對任何人有好感，
“有好感”， 翻譯成我的語言就是說自己終于肯給自己一個機會了。
給別人機會往往都很容易，比起給自己機會容易多了。。。
因爲如果是自己的話，我總是選擇絕望。
上次我說過我討厭放棄，
討厭那無能爲力的感覺，
並答應自己決不能放棄。。。
所以我就選擇處絕望罷了。
現在想通了，也厭倦了絕望
也漸漸開始開竅了。。。
所以
現在不想了， 什麽也不想了
因爲已不覺得重要了。。。
我並不需要用這種方法來證明什麽，
只要自己確定了真的放開了手就足夠了，
確定自己相信我和別人沒有不一樣，別人有的，我也可以擁有。。。
甚至擁有更多更好。。。
尤其是心靈和感情那一方面就足夠了。
所以不普通的禮拜三已經變普通了，
不一樣的已經是沒有什麽不一樣了。
^_^
（好像寫得有點不太對，但不管了。。。只要我懂就行了
頭腦快不行了，也沒什麽體力了。。。錯就錯吧。。。
到底去不去呢。。。就看我累不累，看我推不推得掉吧。）
Chinese...draining me dry!
ARGH!!!
its really taking alot of me to do those two chinese blog...
now i'm completely drain...
Blogging in Chinese is hazardous..... BEWARE!
its really taking alot of me to do those two chinese blog...
now i'm completely drain...
Blogging in Chinese is hazardous..... BEWARE!
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
咪咪的故事
让咪咪来讲个烂故事吧！
＊ＧＲＩＮ＊
有一只猫，它的志愿是能到处走走，看看这个奇妙的世界。
有一天，它的愿望实现了。。。
有个好心人不但收养了它，还把它带在身边。
于是猫咪就跟它的森林中的朋友们道别，跟随着它的新主人离开了。
这花花世界让它看得眼花缭乱，有新奇的，也有烦闷的，有恐怖的，也有温馨的。。。世界虽然多奇妙，但咪咪始终都没有不想念它那般森林之朋友 - 它的朋友中有牛，仓鼠，青蛙，小熊，等等等 （最近好像来了一只可爱猪）。大家都是好朋友，成天都嘻闹在一起，有多好玩就有多好玩，有多令人羡慕就有多令人羡慕。。。
有一天主人好像收到什麽消息，立即决定回道那森林小镇的家一趟。
这一下子这猫可乐了！！！
回到了家乡后，咪咪才了解主人为何要回来。。。
原来是发生了森林火患， 它赶紧去找它的朋友们。
它很庆幸朋友们都有没有生命危险，只有几个的伤势比较严重。
咪咪看了很伤心，也很心痛。。。
因为它的朋友们大多都受了伤。。。
皮外伤是小 （因为只要好好疗养就能恢复了），
但其中有几个伤的不止是皮肉。。。
那几个好像觉得这片森林已经被烧毁了，已没什麽好留念的。
它们想要离去，寻找另一片地为家。
咪咪没有愤怒，毕竟森林火患是天灾而不是人为。
而它们会那麽想也没有对错。。。
它也知道自己也待不了多久，
因为只要主人一走，它也得走了。
但它还是觉得很不舍不得。。。
昔日留下的回忆就只剩回忆了吗？
＊ＧＲＩＮ＊
有一只猫，它的志愿是能到处走走，看看这个奇妙的世界。
有一天，它的愿望实现了。。。
有个好心人不但收养了它，还把它带在身边。
于是猫咪就跟它的森林中的朋友们道别，跟随着它的新主人离开了。
这花花世界让它看得眼花缭乱，有新奇的，也有烦闷的，有恐怖的，也有温馨的。。。世界虽然多奇妙，但咪咪始终都没有不想念它那般森林之朋友 - 它的朋友中有牛，仓鼠，青蛙，小熊，等等等 （最近好像来了一只可爱猪）。大家都是好朋友，成天都嘻闹在一起，有多好玩就有多好玩，有多令人羡慕就有多令人羡慕。。。
有一天主人好像收到什麽消息，立即决定回道那森林小镇的家一趟。
这一下子这猫可乐了！！！
回到了家乡后，咪咪才了解主人为何要回来。。。
原来是发生了森林火患， 它赶紧去找它的朋友们。
它很庆幸朋友们都有没有生命危险，只有几个的伤势比较严重。
咪咪看了很伤心，也很心痛。。。
因为它的朋友们大多都受了伤。。。
皮外伤是小 （因为只要好好疗养就能恢复了），
但其中有几个伤的不止是皮肉。。。
那几个好像觉得这片森林已经被烧毁了，已没什麽好留念的。
它们想要离去，寻找另一片地为家。
咪咪没有愤怒，毕竟森林火患是天灾而不是人为。
而它们会那麽想也没有对错。。。
它也知道自己也待不了多久，
因为只要主人一走，它也得走了。
但它还是觉得很不舍不得。。。
昔日留下的回忆就只剩回忆了吗？
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Mistakenly disappointed......
Its been quite sometime since i last told ppl ard me that i'm am overjoyed that my boss think's that i am capable of more at work, and they would like to recommend me for a promotion. Its been like dunno how long and i have already forgotten abt the July annoucement date.
And just when i was thinking abt it on my way to work, in the cab... this voice asked me,
"Its july now, isnt the promtion news suppose to be out since its already like mid of the mth?"
Another voice in me replied,"Yea, most prob is the promotion thing din come thru, though they promised at least a grade jump and will fight for 2 grade jump, but u shld know why..."
ANd i replied to these to voices," yea i know, performance has been rock bottom since the day boss mentioned abt proposing my name for promo to the board." I shrugged off the tot abt the promo thing altogether. I was determine to maintain the cheery me, the one month overseas assignment that allowed me to focus only on 1 project really gave me some rest. I was feeling fresh and ready to start work.
As usual, the computer gives me some of her attitude treatment for giving her cold shoulder for a mth. Everything got back on track after some struggling with the hdd, email transfer and the non-stop ringing crazed phone finally shut up, giving me sometime to sort out all the arrows that were shooting at me. Then the computer "rang", an incoming email... The first few lines read,
"Congrats to those mentioned in the attached list." It's the name list of those whose promotion have been approved by the board and managers. I quickly closed the email window and tagged the email under "unread", cos i really dun dare to read... dun wanna to be affected by it my name isnt in it.... dun wan my working engine to clutter when it jus got warmed up...
Nearing 5pm, my neigboring colleague exclaimed aloud that the promo list is out, he was all excited. To disguise my nervousness, i commented "Yea! cool rite?!! time to have free lunch again!!!" However, the uncool part was, i caught a glimpse of the list and it really didnt look like it had my name. On the spot, disappointment battered me.
But then i told myself that its ok, everyone knows that i have worked hard and they do know that there is much more i can accomplish. The only prob now lies in me who is not showing it, not giving my boss enuff ammo to fight for me. I had been such a diffcult person in the last few mths and everyone not only kept showing concern and patience in me, but also keep coming to talk to me and telling me how much they like me to share watever probs i am facing. Guess my attitude was so horrundous that ppl can tell me that i dun seems to be the June they know.
As i went on abt my work after that glance, i tried to keep my spirits up but the impact of disappointment is hard to just shove it away.
At abt 6.30pm, still buried in my work, someone shouted for me. i replied with a good strong reply of "YES SIR!". *HEHEE* Dunno why work until so high also... but it seems as i have more stuffs to do, the more i can put myself into it. "SO EXCITING! GOT ALOT OF WORK TO DO! I LOVE IT!!!!" This phrase seems to be written all over my face, thats how my colleague described me today. Anyway, back to the fellow who called for me. He excitedly called me over, refusing my request for uno minuto... i scrambled over and his pointed to the computer screen, its was the promo list, i fely my heart dipped a little and wanted to turn away ASAP. But then when i look at the spot where his finger landed, i saw my name... I SAW MY NAME..... MY NAME ON THE LIST... THE LIST!!! I was already smiling boradly in my heart, but still i had to ask them if they are sure and if they had altered the list... Then it was confirmed...
Now to think back, i realized that my boss who had been trying to contact me was trying to tell me that my promo went through but not as the one planned. So it was not to tell me that i din get the promo! hahaha... i am OVERJOYED! Though the promotion was in the grading and in $$$ sense its really very peanuts, but its enuff to set me smiling.
And just when i was thinking abt it on my way to work, in the cab... this voice asked me,
"Its july now, isnt the promtion news suppose to be out since its already like mid of the mth?"
Another voice in me replied,"Yea, most prob is the promotion thing din come thru, though they promised at least a grade jump and will fight for 2 grade jump, but u shld know why..."
ANd i replied to these to voices," yea i know, performance has been rock bottom since the day boss mentioned abt proposing my name for promo to the board." I shrugged off the tot abt the promo thing altogether. I was determine to maintain the cheery me, the one month overseas assignment that allowed me to focus only on 1 project really gave me some rest. I was feeling fresh and ready to start work.
As usual, the computer gives me some of her attitude treatment for giving her cold shoulder for a mth. Everything got back on track after some struggling with the hdd, email transfer and the non-stop ringing crazed phone finally shut up, giving me sometime to sort out all the arrows that were shooting at me. Then the computer "rang", an incoming email... The first few lines read,
"Congrats to those mentioned in the attached list." It's the name list of those whose promotion have been approved by the board and managers. I quickly closed the email window and tagged the email under "unread", cos i really dun dare to read... dun wanna to be affected by it my name isnt in it.... dun wan my working engine to clutter when it jus got warmed up...
Nearing 5pm, my neigboring colleague exclaimed aloud that the promo list is out, he was all excited. To disguise my nervousness, i commented "Yea! cool rite?!! time to have free lunch again!!!" However, the uncool part was, i caught a glimpse of the list and it really didnt look like it had my name. On the spot, disappointment battered me.
But then i told myself that its ok, everyone knows that i have worked hard and they do know that there is much more i can accomplish. The only prob now lies in me who is not showing it, not giving my boss enuff ammo to fight for me. I had been such a diffcult person in the last few mths and everyone not only kept showing concern and patience in me, but also keep coming to talk to me and telling me how much they like me to share watever probs i am facing. Guess my attitude was so horrundous that ppl can tell me that i dun seems to be the June they know.
As i went on abt my work after that glance, i tried to keep my spirits up but the impact of disappointment is hard to just shove it away.
At abt 6.30pm, still buried in my work, someone shouted for me. i replied with a good strong reply of "YES SIR!". *HEHEE* Dunno why work until so high also... but it seems as i have more stuffs to do, the more i can put myself into it. "SO EXCITING! GOT ALOT OF WORK TO DO! I LOVE IT!!!!" This phrase seems to be written all over my face, thats how my colleague described me today. Anyway, back to the fellow who called for me. He excitedly called me over, refusing my request for uno minuto... i scrambled over and his pointed to the computer screen, its was the promo list, i fely my heart dipped a little and wanted to turn away ASAP. But then when i look at the spot where his finger landed, i saw my name... I SAW MY NAME..... MY NAME ON THE LIST... THE LIST!!! I was already smiling boradly in my heart, but still i had to ask them if they are sure and if they had altered the list... Then it was confirmed...
Now to think back, i realized that my boss who had been trying to contact me was trying to tell me that my promo went through but not as the one planned. So it was not to tell me that i din get the promo! hahaha... i am OVERJOYED! Though the promotion was in the grading and in $$$ sense its really very peanuts, but its enuff to set me smiling.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Yesterday is Yesterday, Today is Today, and Tmw will be Tmw......
Yes, i'm homefree!~ And yes, it seems like i'm not quite set to Zzz-land, looking at the time of this new post, i think i may be jetlagging... Then again, i like to explore a lit further, listing the few possibilities on why i not ready for Zzz..... since i'm heating up my siew mai(x2) and hotdogs (x2)... (my mum tells me tat good things come in pair mah...) *GRIN*
Ps. No... no... no... Not exactly supper lah... Got a lit hungry from taking the flu med jus now mah...
Here goes...
1) Jetlag
The all time fav explanation without having to explain further... hehee..
2) Hunger
Well, i did mention that i was having a running nose with headache, after taking the flu med its really making my stomach alit grumpy... And rumor has it that one cant Zzz when they are HUNGRY! And i do get headaches when i am hungry / empty stomach.
3) Work on mind
Half of me is hoping that i need not work tmw, so feeling a little not so gd may be worth it, but the other half of me... "the more sensible one" think otherwise, afterall work in the office is picking up and by no means i wanna miss any of the action. We shall see wat happens tmw then. Afterall... Today is Today, and Tmw will be Tmw......
4) Question.
Met up with a fren today and was chatting abt BGR stuffs, exchanging views on relational issues. Then my fren posed a good question to me today, one that i do not have any answer yet...
Ps. No... no... no... Not exactly supper lah... Got a lit hungry from taking the flu med jus now mah...
Here goes...
1) Jetlag
The all time fav explanation without having to explain further... hehee..
2) Hunger
Well, i did mention that i was having a running nose with headache, after taking the flu med its really making my stomach alit grumpy... And rumor has it that one cant Zzz when they are HUNGRY! And i do get headaches when i am hungry / empty stomach.
3) Work on mind
Half of me is hoping that i need not work tmw, so feeling a little not so gd may be worth it, but the other half of me... "the more sensible one" think otherwise, afterall work in the office is picking up and by no means i wanna miss any of the action. We shall see wat happens tmw then. Afterall... Today is Today, and Tmw will be Tmw......
4) Question.
Met up with a fren today and was chatting abt BGR stuffs, exchanging views on relational issues. Then my fren posed a good question to me today, one that i do not have any answer yet...
It started with me telling him that i know clearly that i still love my ex, and that he will always have a place in my heart. And that I am quite happy with the way things are now, loving him from a distance is sufficient for me. Becos i know that we can never be and i wouldn't want to be together with him any more. Besides, i'm also quite sure that no guy will be able to accept the fact that their gf will have another man in her heart other than themselves. And i'm not expecting anyone to accept that, cos i cant accept that myself.
Then he asked a very good question, he asked if my options are open for future/new relationships (something like tat... not exact words but meaning abt the same)... As usual, i started to give him crap answers, cos he really caught me there... I replied that i do look forward to be in a new relationship, afterall i can like someone easily. And hopefully the new love will wear out the former love.
But i have no idea wat i was saying that tat moment... i was bz trying to defend myself once again, i was trying to be positive though i think i am thinking otherwise.
- Loving someone and liking a person is completely different, loving him unconditionally and comparing it with liking someone else is like peanuts vs the elephant. I am really not sure if i will be able to forget him, and i am really hoping+wishing+praying that there will be someone who will come along and replace his place in my heart. I hope i am wrong, but i am afraid that no one will / is able to do just that.
- There is also this part in me that says: "Maybe i do desire for a new relationship to take place, but i dun have the guts to go into one." Cause i really dunno how well i can take that type of blow any more.
- Then there is this part of me telling me that i watched too much drama, and time will prove that i will be up and going once i let go of and get over this Mr HIM; I will meet someone and love again.
I guess all these 3 points are true and my conclusion is..... not to think so much... i decided to take a day at a time... See my title? Yup, wats past is past... Today is the impt thing; Let tmw worry abt itself... afterall i cant do anything abt wat has not hap yet rite? ^_^
I've finished my makan and i think i will go lie down again and try to enter Zzz-Land.
Adios Amigos!
Friday, July 15, 2005
Home Sweet Home
TOday is the 15th July 2005, its a friday, and for the locals here its their first day of the weekend where they can turn from part-time party to FULL TIME party. Trust me, when they party, they really mean biz ... The party doesnt starts till 12midnite every nite other than Sat and they would not have any tots on ending at 3am or 4am, but rather its all the way till 6am onwards. I have already gotten use to the racket thats going on for the past 1 mth, even when i awake at 4am. The only time when i find peace and quiet is when Mr Sun sends his rays thru the side painting-like window of my room, and onto my face. The gentle warm sun never fails to wake me up, its jus a matter of time depending on my tolerance for that morning... *GRIN*
Oh yah, got out of point again... As i was saying, today is the 15th July 2005, its the date that is printed on my return ticket to home. I'm going home ppl, HOME! I called my mum yesterday and i told her:" Mummy.... Mummy.... Mummy.... See ya the day after tmw oki? Cos i'm coming HOME to you!" And as i checked out of my hotel room, just 20mins ago, the nice lady ask me how i was today and all i could say was "I'm GOING HOME!" I could feel my tear glands at work, but they din succeed.
Then on the way here, the traffic lights seems to take longer than usual to turn green for the pedestrians... In abit to avoid direct suntanning of my eyes, i did a 180 degrees turn, and the BIG BIG BIG nice blue sea greeted me. And i said to the sea, "GOOdbye, i'm going to miss you fren." The BIG BIG BIG nice blue sea seems to understand me, and in return, a huge wave came crashing onto the breakwaters, the wave that splashed abt formed something like a BIG HAND waving back at me. Well, you might not believe it but it did happen and i did see that. I've always been quite fond of the sea; Its so dangerous and unpredictable, yet its can be gentle and soothing. Its something I love and yet I are afraid of. For years i had refused to go to the beach or swim in the sea, all thanks to the movie JAWS... But now i have gotten to know this beautiful and amzaing creation of GOD, and i love it.
Okis... after typing so much, my internet prepaid credit still has a balance of 3hrs and 20mins. Great, and i only have abt an hr before i have to head back to the hotel and grab my luggage and flee to the airport. I'm going to miss this place; i did not left behind 1 mth of my life here but rather, it had marked a milestone in my life. Being alone out here isnt all that bad, at least for someone like me. I made new frens out of my associates and each new day i am greeted with a smile from my reflection in the mirror. Times does tend to get a little lonely, but i can get by it.
Life in the past mth has not been extraordinary, but i can truely call it "Living a life".
GoodBye Txx XXiX.
Oh yah, got out of point again... As i was saying, today is the 15th July 2005, its the date that is printed on my return ticket to home. I'm going home ppl, HOME! I called my mum yesterday and i told her:" Mummy.... Mummy.... Mummy.... See ya the day after tmw oki? Cos i'm coming HOME to you!" And as i checked out of my hotel room, just 20mins ago, the nice lady ask me how i was today and all i could say was "I'm GOING HOME!" I could feel my tear glands at work, but they din succeed.
Then on the way here, the traffic lights seems to take longer than usual to turn green for the pedestrians... In abit to avoid direct suntanning of my eyes, i did a 180 degrees turn, and the BIG BIG BIG nice blue sea greeted me. And i said to the sea, "GOOdbye, i'm going to miss you fren." The BIG BIG BIG nice blue sea seems to understand me, and in return, a huge wave came crashing onto the breakwaters, the wave that splashed abt formed something like a BIG HAND waving back at me. Well, you might not believe it but it did happen and i did see that. I've always been quite fond of the sea; Its so dangerous and unpredictable, yet its can be gentle and soothing. Its something I love and yet I are afraid of. For years i had refused to go to the beach or swim in the sea, all thanks to the movie JAWS... But now i have gotten to know this beautiful and amzaing creation of GOD, and i love it.
Okis... after typing so much, my internet prepaid credit still has a balance of 3hrs and 20mins. Great, and i only have abt an hr before i have to head back to the hotel and grab my luggage and flee to the airport. I'm going to miss this place; i did not left behind 1 mth of my life here but rather, it had marked a milestone in my life. Being alone out here isnt all that bad, at least for someone like me. I made new frens out of my associates and each new day i am greeted with a smile from my reflection in the mirror. Times does tend to get a little lonely, but i can get by it.
Life in the past mth has not been extraordinary, but i can truely call it "Living a life".
GoodBye Txx XXiX.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Fear
Will be heading home in a couple of days and the tension is getting stronger within me, each night my heart beats hard and fast, seemingly expecting something to happen. Maybe I am too worried about going back. Dun get me wrong, but I’m delighted to be able to head home, but I am worried about being a disappointment at work. My superior hasn’t seen exactly the best of me during this period of one month, and personally I cannot accept this rotten attitude. He has been very patient with me, and I really appreciate that. There are times where I suspect that he is at a complete loss in how to manage me… Trust me, its no easy task to be my superior.
My current working environment is absolutely wonderful; everyone is genuinely concern for each other in the department, at least that’s what I think it is. Ever since I have been contemplating about a job change, a chain reaction triggered off, and it resulted in a great effect on my work performance. This has caught the attention of my bosses and are very concern about it. One is telling me that I do not have to taken upon all the responsibilities for whatever goes wrong around. Another is telling me to find someone I can trust to talk to, and they welcome me to share with him. Yet another one is teaching me how to manage my finances, utilizing my benefits and getting my claims done right that I may be able to get the greens back. This is one place where I will not bear to part easily.
Then there is the dilemma from the other side of the coin, my pay and designation has not change much in the last 4 plus years. The critical factor here is the field that I am suppose to be in for as long as I stay in this job – RF industry. This is one field that didn’t get off on the right foot with me; it has neither been a favorite nor the recent efforts made any progress in it. I know this is one topic that I am really not interested in. I enjoyed the work I had been involved in while outsourced to an agency, the coordination and management of the systems were a joy. Nothing of the scope has change, except that it’s a different playing field and there is a need to be really in depth to it. But I guess the biggest difference is I know what I must do, can do and able to do. I knew clearly what where my boundaries and what is the area of field I can work with. I’m not quite sure what is different this time round, but I do feel quite lost.
Then there is the pressure from home; something that I have been trying to shrug off, but it’s coming on strong, with each blow, is reducing me to a state of despair and distress. It’s not exactly pressure from home, but rather it’s something that I put upon myself when my family comments on it. Everyone is right, with the paper qualifications I have, and the close to 5yrs of technical hands on experience, I can easily find another job which pays me better. There may be better prospects, but the biggest obstacle is my lack of confidence. I am afraid I may not get a better job, or a job, which may not be something that I like to do. Or I may be really unlucky that instead of a pay rise, I would have to accept a worse off job on top of a pay cut. Or what if I can’t perform the job to the expectations of the new employers?!! There are so many what if and unknown… I am really afraid.
=> Child, you are mine.
Who would be able to curse you when I bless you?
What curse can stand my blessings?!!
Leave your worries and trust in me.
I am GOD, YOUR Heavenly Father…
I am the one you call ABBA.
Remember that I am ABLE…….
DO NOT FEAR, for I AM WITH YOU.
My current working environment is absolutely wonderful; everyone is genuinely concern for each other in the department, at least that’s what I think it is. Ever since I have been contemplating about a job change, a chain reaction triggered off, and it resulted in a great effect on my work performance. This has caught the attention of my bosses and are very concern about it. One is telling me that I do not have to taken upon all the responsibilities for whatever goes wrong around. Another is telling me to find someone I can trust to talk to, and they welcome me to share with him. Yet another one is teaching me how to manage my finances, utilizing my benefits and getting my claims done right that I may be able to get the greens back. This is one place where I will not bear to part easily.
Then there is the dilemma from the other side of the coin, my pay and designation has not change much in the last 4 plus years. The critical factor here is the field that I am suppose to be in for as long as I stay in this job – RF industry. This is one field that didn’t get off on the right foot with me; it has neither been a favorite nor the recent efforts made any progress in it. I know this is one topic that I am really not interested in. I enjoyed the work I had been involved in while outsourced to an agency, the coordination and management of the systems were a joy. Nothing of the scope has change, except that it’s a different playing field and there is a need to be really in depth to it. But I guess the biggest difference is I know what I must do, can do and able to do. I knew clearly what where my boundaries and what is the area of field I can work with. I’m not quite sure what is different this time round, but I do feel quite lost.
Then there is the pressure from home; something that I have been trying to shrug off, but it’s coming on strong, with each blow, is reducing me to a state of despair and distress. It’s not exactly pressure from home, but rather it’s something that I put upon myself when my family comments on it. Everyone is right, with the paper qualifications I have, and the close to 5yrs of technical hands on experience, I can easily find another job which pays me better. There may be better prospects, but the biggest obstacle is my lack of confidence. I am afraid I may not get a better job, or a job, which may not be something that I like to do. Or I may be really unlucky that instead of a pay rise, I would have to accept a worse off job on top of a pay cut. Or what if I can’t perform the job to the expectations of the new employers?!! There are so many what if and unknown… I am really afraid.
=> Child, you are mine.
Who would be able to curse you when I bless you?
What curse can stand my blessings?!!
Leave your worries and trust in me.
I am GOD, YOUR Heavenly Father…
I am the one you call ABBA.
Remember that I am ABLE…….
DO NOT FEAR, for I AM WITH YOU.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Friend
People walk in and out of our lives, some stayed longer than other, and some left before you even know it. Some left good impressions or memories, while some left us not good experiences. Since TH and JB, KL left me an equally deep impression. He was someone that I was quite fond of getting close to when I was in my teens. He was spontaneous and very sporting. But since classes stopped, we didn’t have much of a chance to get together. Shortly after, he went abroad for further studies.
Then a few years later, a reunion was called for and the same old group appeared. We were the most sporting in the past and the attendance for the gathering proved it once again. The gathering brought us more chances of interaction privately after that night, and I slowly begin to recall that I did have a good impression of him after all in our younger days. And it seems like he hasn’t change much, still a very nice guy who is not able to carry a conversation well, and always smiling away.
The reunion gathering brought a lot of topics for discussions and chats and one particular incident left me smiling from ear to ear. That night, four of us were the last to leave the place and one of the two guys who drove offered to give all of us a lift. My gal friend was reluctant, gave in when the two guys persisted. And of course I went along. I was the first to alight and as I was reminding my other gal friend to call me when she reach home, KL got off the car and without me noticing and insisted on escorting me to my door step. It really felt queered, but then I guess probably he ad just returned from Aussie and he is just doing what he thinks a guy should do no matter who the gal is. I din really read too much into it and just went along.
But on the following week, I met up with my gal friend and were talking about the gathering we had. Then she started asking me if KL had sent me all the way to my doorstep that very night; following which is a complaint that he had not even offered to send her to the lift. I was pleasantly surprised. Then I tried to explain to her the list of possibilities :
1. I had the most drinks during the gathering, and he probably think it would be good to make sure I am home even I dun look drunk. After all he has no idea how well I can hold or cannot hold the liquor.
2. We might had a conversation that has not ended, dun ask me what cos you guys know I just rattle on. If I forgot something, that’s it… it probably wont come back to memory. After all, its just small talks / chats.
3. He probably thought that it would be fair for each guy to escort one gal, but sadly the Mr. Driver was too dull to understand that.
My friend gave me a queer look but accept the list anyway.
Well, here comes the highlight… We were constantly chatting online after that reunion gathering, and met up on a few occasions as we lived quite near to each other. On one night where we went out for drinks, we were chatting about our past relationships and ourselves. It might have been the drinks, but I blurt out that with my family holding me as their mental and emotional support I too need one. And I have no idea how long more I can hold out. Then he made me an offer that I can never forget. “I want to be your support…… can I?.” At the moment I was very touched but was even more shocked, and I can only reply him with two words – “Thank you”.
I appreciate him and his offer, I was genuinely touched. But I know I will never lean on him, simply because I have never allowed myself to rely on anyone. Not in the past, not now and most probably not in the future. It was really a coincidence that workload got heavier and we hadn’t met up after that. But we do still keep in touch via the Internet , we still do occasional chats thru msn. Recently, he initiated a chat, asking how I was doing and everything. But the conversation was really short, neither he nor I know what we can talk about and it ended silently. Maybe it has been too long since we last met, there isn’t much we can really chat about. It could also have been me feeling awkward since that last meet up we had. But I really have no idea.
Then a few years later, a reunion was called for and the same old group appeared. We were the most sporting in the past and the attendance for the gathering proved it once again. The gathering brought us more chances of interaction privately after that night, and I slowly begin to recall that I did have a good impression of him after all in our younger days. And it seems like he hasn’t change much, still a very nice guy who is not able to carry a conversation well, and always smiling away.
The reunion gathering brought a lot of topics for discussions and chats and one particular incident left me smiling from ear to ear. That night, four of us were the last to leave the place and one of the two guys who drove offered to give all of us a lift. My gal friend was reluctant, gave in when the two guys persisted. And of course I went along. I was the first to alight and as I was reminding my other gal friend to call me when she reach home, KL got off the car and without me noticing and insisted on escorting me to my door step. It really felt queered, but then I guess probably he ad just returned from Aussie and he is just doing what he thinks a guy should do no matter who the gal is. I din really read too much into it and just went along.
But on the following week, I met up with my gal friend and were talking about the gathering we had. Then she started asking me if KL had sent me all the way to my doorstep that very night; following which is a complaint that he had not even offered to send her to the lift. I was pleasantly surprised. Then I tried to explain to her the list of possibilities :
1. I had the most drinks during the gathering, and he probably think it would be good to make sure I am home even I dun look drunk. After all he has no idea how well I can hold or cannot hold the liquor.
2. We might had a conversation that has not ended, dun ask me what cos you guys know I just rattle on. If I forgot something, that’s it… it probably wont come back to memory. After all, its just small talks / chats.
3. He probably thought that it would be fair for each guy to escort one gal, but sadly the Mr. Driver was too dull to understand that.
My friend gave me a queer look but accept the list anyway.
Well, here comes the highlight… We were constantly chatting online after that reunion gathering, and met up on a few occasions as we lived quite near to each other. On one night where we went out for drinks, we were chatting about our past relationships and ourselves. It might have been the drinks, but I blurt out that with my family holding me as their mental and emotional support I too need one. And I have no idea how long more I can hold out. Then he made me an offer that I can never forget. “I want to be your support…… can I?.” At the moment I was very touched but was even more shocked, and I can only reply him with two words – “Thank you”.
I appreciate him and his offer, I was genuinely touched. But I know I will never lean on him, simply because I have never allowed myself to rely on anyone. Not in the past, not now and most probably not in the future. It was really a coincidence that workload got heavier and we hadn’t met up after that. But we do still keep in touch via the Internet , we still do occasional chats thru msn. Recently, he initiated a chat, asking how I was doing and everything. But the conversation was really short, neither he nor I know what we can talk about and it ended silently. Maybe it has been too long since we last met, there isn’t much we can really chat about. It could also have been me feeling awkward since that last meet up we had. But I really have no idea.
Friday, July 08, 2005
A Pair of Rings
A pair of rings was made to order, upon it was to engrave the identity of its owner. The ring has a coarsely finished with freehand writings engraved on the exterior. The symbols on the surfaces were not easily readable as they were in Hebrew, and on one of them has my name on it. The one with the smaller ring size read “ God’s Beloved – June Lim ”, its mine for all its eternality . Upon the other, it wrote “ God’s Beloved ” in a masculine form. I just thought that rings should come in a pair, one masculine and the other feminine.
I have no idea if this other ring will stay with me forever, or it will be a gift to someone worthy. I did secretly wish that I would have the chance to present this gift. He need not be someone who will spend the rest of his life companying mine, or vice versa. But I do know that it would have to be a special that would receive this gift. I really hope that he wouldn’t mistake it for a marriage proposal.
This ring carries 2 meanings :
§ A reminder that no matters what happens, you will always be God’s beloved. Nothing is going to change that; it has never been changed in the past, not now nor will it in the future. God loves you, ABBA loves you.
§ A part of me will always be with you, just as the ring is with you. Likewise, I have kept the best of you, somewhere in my heart, somewhere that will always be yours.
Looking at the rings, I doubted that I would ever give it away. I put on mine ring on, it fitted right. Somewhere within, I felt warmth. But a sense of restriction soon came after. I look onto my right hand, in the very center of my palm lies the other ring. It seems to be telling me that it belongs on one of my fingers of my right hand, then I realized that I have chosen to lead a self sufficient life where I long to rely on someone but ultimately will choose not to. I have already made the very choice.
I have no idea if this other ring will stay with me forever, or it will be a gift to someone worthy. I did secretly wish that I would have the chance to present this gift. He need not be someone who will spend the rest of his life companying mine, or vice versa. But I do know that it would have to be a special that would receive this gift. I really hope that he wouldn’t mistake it for a marriage proposal.
This ring carries 2 meanings :
§ A reminder that no matters what happens, you will always be God’s beloved. Nothing is going to change that; it has never been changed in the past, not now nor will it in the future. God loves you, ABBA loves you.
§ A part of me will always be with you, just as the ring is with you. Likewise, I have kept the best of you, somewhere in my heart, somewhere that will always be yours.
Looking at the rings, I doubted that I would ever give it away. I put on mine ring on, it fitted right. Somewhere within, I felt warmth. But a sense of restriction soon came after. I look onto my right hand, in the very center of my palm lies the other ring. It seems to be telling me that it belongs on one of my fingers of my right hand, then I realized that I have chosen to lead a self sufficient life where I long to rely on someone but ultimately will choose not to. I have already made the very choice.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Arghhhh!!!
ThinGs has not been going the way i like it to be, and now i'm back to a life style of "AS I PLS" For the past few weeks i have been struggling with self discipline, and it sort of crash last week when i started getting distracted and the need to be accepted in the grp of company i am with became huge. i relented.
For the last few days, i have seeming getting more positive responds in this grp of ppl i am with. But there is always something at the back of my mind, this grp of ppl are my customers. Getting too closer to them isnt good in a way, cos we have a role to play. But on the other hand, the training course seems to be much easier to handle becos of them. i been struggling with the training since day one, and i was on the verge to give up. I cant help but tell my fren that i did play with the tot of jus pack my bags and go home. But i think i wont, cos if i did i would be giving up... and if u rem it... i hate to give up.
And today, i got a little upset at my superior for saying me for leaving the lab area. At first i tot that i was upset at my superior for accusing me of fooling ard and not doing anything. But i left the lab to go back to the lecture room for future clarification of the lesson, thru discussion with the other trainees. Then i realized the underlying prob.
i loved my job, rather the ppl i work with, especially my superiors and colleagues who all are really concern abt me and wants to help me out. I like my job on doing all the coordination of the projects and doing some technical work, but when it comes to specialization and in the area of RFs, i'm really not that crazy abt it. I have no idea wat i like any more; a job tat more of meeting ppl or a job that jus deals with machines? i dunno how to choose. i tot that this issue could be shelved for another 6-9mths when my bond had been fulfilled, but nope... this root prob is affecting my work performance, to an extend that it has failed my own xpectations. My xpectations has always been the minimum reference bar for myself, if i cant be accountable to myself then how m i suppose to be answerable to my boss???
Would i be better if i ask my boss to tell me what he wants me to do, like give me a clearly defined area where he wants me to fulfill the tasks he has in mind... Or maybe asking him to jus leave everything to me to fend for myself? In such cases, the failure rate is v. high, but i think i might be able to pull through it marginally at least with maximum learning. I'm a very hands-on person, tell me and giving me step by step instructions to do things will only make me more redundant and me less confident of my work capabilities. If i think my cap is low, then i will just not do it. Cos i dun like to do things badly, especially when u are indirectly reminding me that i am not up to job.
XXX XXXX XXXX,
its not that you are not a good boss, jus that you seems to be disapprove of everything i do. i know you wanna save time and money and effort, so that the task gets completed efficiently. But the way you show yr guidance to me, seems to be tell me that i am incompetent. Since i am incompetent, what more can u expect from me?!!!
I am already trying my best to understand WATS going on. I know that you are quite tired and especially fed-up with me for not being able to ease yr burden. But u exclude me from all the on goings on day one and tell me u wan me to concentrate on the training… fine… I concentrate and try my best to understand and learn. Now you say I am not helping out with the work?!!! What the heck?! You excluded me from all preparations activities and I am totally clueless. How in the world you expect me to know what to do and when to do? Now you’re telling me that I am wrong to go get my clarifications and I shld jus stand in the lab like a vase? You have no idea wats going to happen and you say you wanna prepare. What am I suppose to do when you already have no idea. You charted the preparation works and you have no idea, I who has been left our and is clueless is suppose to know wat hap and wat to do next?! I really dun understand.
I have already made up my mind to leave and I dun think you would wan me to stay either, believe me, I am sincerely try to make things less diff when I leave… especially in the projects I am involve. Pls. do not encourage me to play with the idea if being irresponsible would make me feel les pekchek.
PS. Pls. excuse me, I’m jus letting off some steam. Dun really mean wat I said yah…
For the last few days, i have seeming getting more positive responds in this grp of ppl i am with. But there is always something at the back of my mind, this grp of ppl are my customers. Getting too closer to them isnt good in a way, cos we have a role to play. But on the other hand, the training course seems to be much easier to handle becos of them. i been struggling with the training since day one, and i was on the verge to give up. I cant help but tell my fren that i did play with the tot of jus pack my bags and go home. But i think i wont, cos if i did i would be giving up... and if u rem it... i hate to give up.
And today, i got a little upset at my superior for saying me for leaving the lab area. At first i tot that i was upset at my superior for accusing me of fooling ard and not doing anything. But i left the lab to go back to the lecture room for future clarification of the lesson, thru discussion with the other trainees. Then i realized the underlying prob.
i loved my job, rather the ppl i work with, especially my superiors and colleagues who all are really concern abt me and wants to help me out. I like my job on doing all the coordination of the projects and doing some technical work, but when it comes to specialization and in the area of RFs, i'm really not that crazy abt it. I have no idea wat i like any more; a job tat more of meeting ppl or a job that jus deals with machines? i dunno how to choose. i tot that this issue could be shelved for another 6-9mths when my bond had been fulfilled, but nope... this root prob is affecting my work performance, to an extend that it has failed my own xpectations. My xpectations has always been the minimum reference bar for myself, if i cant be accountable to myself then how m i suppose to be answerable to my boss???
Would i be better if i ask my boss to tell me what he wants me to do, like give me a clearly defined area where he wants me to fulfill the tasks he has in mind... Or maybe asking him to jus leave everything to me to fend for myself? In such cases, the failure rate is v. high, but i think i might be able to pull through it marginally at least with maximum learning. I'm a very hands-on person, tell me and giving me step by step instructions to do things will only make me more redundant and me less confident of my work capabilities. If i think my cap is low, then i will just not do it. Cos i dun like to do things badly, especially when u are indirectly reminding me that i am not up to job.
XXX XXXX XXXX,
its not that you are not a good boss, jus that you seems to be disapprove of everything i do. i know you wanna save time and money and effort, so that the task gets completed efficiently. But the way you show yr guidance to me, seems to be tell me that i am incompetent. Since i am incompetent, what more can u expect from me?!!!
I am already trying my best to understand WATS going on. I know that you are quite tired and especially fed-up with me for not being able to ease yr burden. But u exclude me from all the on goings on day one and tell me u wan me to concentrate on the training… fine… I concentrate and try my best to understand and learn. Now you say I am not helping out with the work?!!! What the heck?! You excluded me from all preparations activities and I am totally clueless. How in the world you expect me to know what to do and when to do? Now you’re telling me that I am wrong to go get my clarifications and I shld jus stand in the lab like a vase? You have no idea wats going to happen and you say you wanna prepare. What am I suppose to do when you already have no idea. You charted the preparation works and you have no idea, I who has been left our and is clueless is suppose to know wat hap and wat to do next?! I really dun understand.
I have already made up my mind to leave and I dun think you would wan me to stay either, believe me, I am sincerely try to make things less diff when I leave… especially in the projects I am involve. Pls. do not encourage me to play with the idea if being irresponsible would make me feel les pekchek.
PS. Pls. excuse me, I’m jus letting off some steam. Dun really mean wat I said yah…
Monday, July 04, 2005
A reminder!
Sometimes i have this prob of forgetting this and that, i'm not exactly a scatterbrain but its just that i really have a very short memory. Hey! Dun judge too fast oki... memory no good may be a good thing, especially when it comes to grudges oki...
As i was saying... i want to remind myself who i am and so i stepped into a shop and got the boss to custom made something for me, a BIG REMINDER for me. OK, brace yrselves... i went to get myelf a pair of customized rings. yes, i said 1 pair... Both engraved with the words, GOD'S BELOVED... and one of them has my name... on the other one is nameless at the moment.
I'm a christian and i keep forgetting that i am greatly bless, deeply love and highly favored by GOD! I gotten myself this ring, and i am not going to take it down. And if one day, i am able to cross that hurdle in me, and meet someone that i love other than Mr xxxx, this will be for him. I know that he will appear, just that i dunno his name.
Oki, guys... time for my dinner... time to find a CHEAPER DINNER becos i jus spent a BOMB on the rings! Au Revoir!
As i was saying... i want to remind myself who i am and so i stepped into a shop and got the boss to custom made something for me, a BIG REMINDER for me. OK, brace yrselves... i went to get myelf a pair of customized rings. yes, i said 1 pair... Both engraved with the words, GOD'S BELOVED... and one of them has my name... on the other one is nameless at the moment.
I'm a christian and i keep forgetting that i am greatly bless, deeply love and highly favored by GOD! I gotten myself this ring, and i am not going to take it down. And if one day, i am able to cross that hurdle in me, and meet someone that i love other than Mr xxxx, this will be for him. I know that he will appear, just that i dunno his name.
Oki, guys... time for my dinner... time to find a CHEAPER DINNER becos i jus spent a BOMB on the rings! Au Revoir!
Saturday, July 02, 2005
No idea
Was reading my blog, since I really have no idea wat I want to do, its sort of a waste of time but then that’s not the point here. I came across one blog which I dun think anyone of u are able to read as well. It was coded in one of those Chinese fonts, which I have no idea I can make it readable again. Guess I had written that when I was really upset and not check if the blog went through.
For now, I guess it wouldn’t really matter any more I guess. What’s been lost is lost, wat is past is past, and wat matters is NOW! I have made my choices and I know wat I am playing with, so I decided not to play.
Ppl always say wat goes ard comes ard, and I only experienced that lately. Its not that I’m not up to it to play this game, but I really have no idea how I shld react. I guess at some level it did hit something inside of me, something impt.
It was a simple childish thing that I shldnt be bothered with, like being made fun of by pairing me up with another single guy. I’m not really bothered with those teasing, but it has really made me feel awkward. I have no idea how I shld react and therefore, I keep still and keep quiet. Another taboo was that the other victim, other than me, is a business associate. So, I am really sort of at loss at the situation, fearing it might do damage to my representation image of my company. At another level, I really hope to befriend him, cos he is living in an area near me. I tend to befriend ppl who live near me cos it would be easier for me to meet them up, especially I have those instantaneous / spontaneous spirit. Those who know me, are aware and respond almost immediately to my phone call to chill out at some coffee place or tea drinking hangouts and even supper spots. I guess this may be the one friend that I cant befriend… teasing/gossips are really damaging.
But on the other hand I am really afraid that something might be wrong here. I have been alone for so long, it was an unconscious choice that I made and it has sabotage a few possible relationships. Yea, I do want to some company, but then I dun think I can handle it. Its sad isn’t it.
There is this someone whom I will never forget and he who will always have a special place in my heart. No matter wat happened, it happened and I have let those go… I do love him still, but I will not condone what he has done. Therefore, I have made my choice to love him from a distance, without him knowing. Loving him is my choice and I have chosen to do it quietly and independently.
I love you, but I do not want you to know,
Cos I know you wont cherish it.
I have forgiven you, but I do not want you to know,
Lest we walk back the same path again.
I will never forget you, cos I do not know how.
But I will never want to cross path with you.
Don’t say you are sorry, cos I know you dun mean it.
Just leave things they are, everything is fine now.
At least I think am fine now, with this arrangement.
For now, I guess it wouldn’t really matter any more I guess. What’s been lost is lost, wat is past is past, and wat matters is NOW! I have made my choices and I know wat I am playing with, so I decided not to play.
Ppl always say wat goes ard comes ard, and I only experienced that lately. Its not that I’m not up to it to play this game, but I really have no idea how I shld react. I guess at some level it did hit something inside of me, something impt.
It was a simple childish thing that I shldnt be bothered with, like being made fun of by pairing me up with another single guy. I’m not really bothered with those teasing, but it has really made me feel awkward. I have no idea how I shld react and therefore, I keep still and keep quiet. Another taboo was that the other victim, other than me, is a business associate. So, I am really sort of at loss at the situation, fearing it might do damage to my representation image of my company. At another level, I really hope to befriend him, cos he is living in an area near me. I tend to befriend ppl who live near me cos it would be easier for me to meet them up, especially I have those instantaneous / spontaneous spirit. Those who know me, are aware and respond almost immediately to my phone call to chill out at some coffee place or tea drinking hangouts and even supper spots. I guess this may be the one friend that I cant befriend… teasing/gossips are really damaging.
But on the other hand I am really afraid that something might be wrong here. I have been alone for so long, it was an unconscious choice that I made and it has sabotage a few possible relationships. Yea, I do want to some company, but then I dun think I can handle it. Its sad isn’t it.
There is this someone whom I will never forget and he who will always have a special place in my heart. No matter wat happened, it happened and I have let those go… I do love him still, but I will not condone what he has done. Therefore, I have made my choice to love him from a distance, without him knowing. Loving him is my choice and I have chosen to do it quietly and independently.
I love you, but I do not want you to know,
Cos I know you wont cherish it.
I have forgiven you, but I do not want you to know,
Lest we walk back the same path again.
I will never forget you, cos I do not know how.
But I will never want to cross path with you.
Don’t say you are sorry, cos I know you dun mean it.
Just leave things they are, everything is fine now.
At least I think am fine now, with this arrangement.
Monday, June 27, 2005
So far away
The last 2 posts definite showed how fragile i am becoming, and this seems like only the beginning. These days i am really wondering if admitting that being weak is a type of strength. It takes quite a bit of guts to bend and apologize to ppl, it takes also quite abit to admit the mistakes we make... and admitting that we are weak is even more courageous!!! WHY??? OH PLS! Just use your human brain and think, admitting that we are weak is one way that we are disclosing that we are vulnerable... and that is not something good. At least thats wat i tot... being vulnerable is allowing ppl to attack you!!! You like getting hurt???
oki... i'm not goin to spend my precious $$$ on explaining my blogging, and especially when i forgotten what i originally wanted to put up... Anyway, will be back to vandalize so .........
Au Revoir!
oki... i'm not goin to spend my precious $$$ on explaining my blogging, and especially when i forgotten what i originally wanted to put up... Anyway, will be back to vandalize so .........
Au Revoir!
Friday, June 17, 2005
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Wednesday, June 15, 2005
終於開始了。。。
終於﹐ 我開始用華語來報到了﹐ 一寫還是繁體字呢。。。
你說我厲不厲害?
今天的我有一點點的不悅﹐不是不開心。。。
而是心情有點低落。
我還是為了前天的考試而感覺有點喪氣﹐
在朋友們的面前雖然是不在乎﹐
但心裡是難受的。
在我這二十六年來﹐ 我答應自己從不放棄。。。
無論對事對物還是對人。
可是﹐那天我竟然放棄了。
就因為這樣 我決定不要在沒有預備好的情況下繼續考下個科目﹐
回到了辦公室﹐
我知道會有很多事要處理。
這考試與我的工作有點關係﹐
因為那個不考的決定。。。
自然而然地在公司內還引起軒然大波。
這納悶的心情我卻又能跟誰說呢?
我是沒有後悔﹐
因為我今天所說的都是心裡話﹐
我要為我自己站起來。
已經無所謂了那麼久﹐ 已到了醒悟的時候。。。
再無所謂下去的話就荒廢了大家的時間﹐ 大家的金錢。。。
畢竟公司只顧金錢。
當然老闆與同事都對我很好﹐
本人也很愧疚于他們。
希望從今以後的我是個從生的我。
你說我厲不厲害?
今天的我有一點點的不悅﹐不是不開心。。。
而是心情有點低落。
我還是為了前天的考試而感覺有點喪氣﹐
在朋友們的面前雖然是不在乎﹐
但心裡是難受的。
在我這二十六年來﹐ 我答應自己從不放棄。。。
無論對事對物還是對人。
可是﹐那天我竟然放棄了。
就因為這樣 我決定不要在沒有預備好的情況下繼續考下個科目﹐
回到了辦公室﹐
我知道會有很多事要處理。
這考試與我的工作有點關係﹐
因為那個不考的決定。。。
自然而然地在公司內還引起軒然大波。
這納悶的心情我卻又能跟誰說呢?
我是沒有後悔﹐
因為我今天所說的都是心裡話﹐
我要為我自己站起來。
已經無所謂了那麼久﹐ 已到了醒悟的時候。。。
再無所謂下去的話就荒廢了大家的時間﹐ 大家的金錢。。。
畢竟公司只顧金錢。
當然老闆與同事都對我很好﹐
本人也很愧疚于他們。
希望從今以後的我是個從生的我。
Home is ???
HOME! A place more than a roof over my head, shelter from sun & rain. Its also a place where I have taken for granted. A house with beings that I love, a place where I can hide in and shut the world out... But also a cage for the creature call ME.
Been informed that I will be going on a biz trip for a mth or so, though I wont be going alone, but the company isnt really something that I am looking forward to either. The allowance and benefits are not luring, but I still have to go cos ITS MY JOB.
I'm really fine with the travelling, cos I have been wanting to find out if I can survive alone in this world and this opportunity is here to simulate tat. I guess I can, but I wouldnt want to... Its so lonely, so lonely that I can somehow understand why ppl would get depress and commit suicide. I know I wont do tat, cos I dun think I have the guts to. But depression really sets in when u are alone... its unbearably painful to see time jus sweep and not being able to do anything.
no idea wat rubbish i am writing also... read and forget oki....
Been informed that I will be going on a biz trip for a mth or so, though I wont be going alone, but the company isnt really something that I am looking forward to either. The allowance and benefits are not luring, but I still have to go cos ITS MY JOB.
I'm really fine with the travelling, cos I have been wanting to find out if I can survive alone in this world and this opportunity is here to simulate tat. I guess I can, but I wouldnt want to... Its so lonely, so lonely that I can somehow understand why ppl would get depress and commit suicide. I know I wont do tat, cos I dun think I have the guts to. But depression really sets in when u are alone... its unbearably painful to see time jus sweep and not being able to do anything.
no idea wat rubbish i am writing also... read and forget oki....
Monday, June 13, 2005
Giving up
I know this blog is suppose to be a place where i can say anything i wan, and most of all, i had wanted it to be a place where i can terribly honest abt my tots. But now i am staring into my laptop and i find no words to describe my feelings.
I am feeling alittle down under today, cos i gave up on my exam today. I din prepare enuff and time was a little tight as well. And when i went for the exam, i was feeling very restless. i skipped a few of the questions which i din know how to answer, then i begin to lost my focus on the questions... i no longer wanted to read or attempt anything else. And i gave up. I GAVE UP ON THE EXAM! Though i struggled for another hour, i merely filled in all the incompleted questions and submitted. The results was 393/1000, passing criteria is 700/1000. The perfect desciption to how i feel now is = SHIT.
I am feeling alittle down under today, cos i gave up on my exam today. I din prepare enuff and time was a little tight as well. And when i went for the exam, i was feeling very restless. i skipped a few of the questions which i din know how to answer, then i begin to lost my focus on the questions... i no longer wanted to read or attempt anything else. And i gave up. I GAVE UP ON THE EXAM! Though i struggled for another hour, i merely filled in all the incompleted questions and submitted. The results was 393/1000, passing criteria is 700/1000. The perfect desciption to how i feel now is = SHIT.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
sleepless being
Its abt 1.34am in the morning, and i am writing this blog. Like most normal working ppl, i'm suppose to be already asleep, else busy rushing my work to meet the morning dateline(aka DEADLINE). But i am not. Suppose to be resting for the coming work day, but i am not. So wat do i wan???
I'm not too sure if i am not able to get to sleep or is it i do not want to sleep... part of me do feel tired and like to rest, the other part of me is like u sure u wanna sleep? Or then again am i afraid of sleeping? Or is it that i'm afraid of having to wake up? I guess its no point asking u rite? The normal reply would be, "i'm not you, how will i know?" Now the BIG prob is, i am me... and i still dunno. SO how?
See! Now i am not making any sense again....... ARGH!
But i did discover one thing over the 26 yrs of my life, one big discovery regarding my unconscious world... and that is somewhere, some how, i dunno why.... Whenever i am confused or stressed out or not wanting time to move on, i will have this hope that tmw dun come. And in a bid to make tat wish come true, i believed that shld i not sleep then the day will not come. Dun understand? Somewhere in my naive mind, i hope that by me not sleeping, the sun will not rise. And if the sun dun rise, tmw will never come. And if tmw does come, then i will have more time to sort out my thinking or to be able to escape watever i do not wish to face/confront.
Till today, i know i still have this naive thinking. I know it becos, i think it is happening rite now.
Life's getting depress, maybe i shld rephrase, i am choosing to feel depress over life... my life to be exact. I dunno what i want (or do i - to be happy and financally stable?), dunno what to do now (or do i - sleeping/resting and preparing to work tmw?) .......
ARGH! Why cant i jus say i dunno anything, why cant i jus run and hide... why can't i be left alone for a while? WHY? WHY? WHY?
->I cant becos i do know what i want, i cant becos it wont help, i cant becos i am vexing myself.
So what now?
->Need to sort out my tots and focus, dun lump everything together and see it as a mountain, know that mountains are made out of rocks and soil... you can break it down and clear it little by little.
--- i wish i can be dependant on someone and to really be able to say i dunno. i'm tired and i'm scared, i think i am sick of my job and time has come for me to move on, but i am too afraid to move and has been using the company BOND as an excuse. But wat can i do if i resign now? Wat if i cant find a job, where am i going to find money to pay my bills? Is there anyone who is able to rescue me? i know...... i know... "No one can help me if i dun help myself rite?" Heard that a million times..... a million... billion... trillon times already......
Ok, i noe wishing doesnt help, cos it will not be fulfill by wishing. So, i'm going to bed, going to succumb to the thing call life...
I'm not too sure if i am not able to get to sleep or is it i do not want to sleep... part of me do feel tired and like to rest, the other part of me is like u sure u wanna sleep? Or then again am i afraid of sleeping? Or is it that i'm afraid of having to wake up? I guess its no point asking u rite? The normal reply would be, "i'm not you, how will i know?" Now the BIG prob is, i am me... and i still dunno. SO how?
See! Now i am not making any sense again....... ARGH!
But i did discover one thing over the 26 yrs of my life, one big discovery regarding my unconscious world... and that is somewhere, some how, i dunno why.... Whenever i am confused or stressed out or not wanting time to move on, i will have this hope that tmw dun come. And in a bid to make tat wish come true, i believed that shld i not sleep then the day will not come. Dun understand? Somewhere in my naive mind, i hope that by me not sleeping, the sun will not rise. And if the sun dun rise, tmw will never come. And if tmw does come, then i will have more time to sort out my thinking or to be able to escape watever i do not wish to face/confront.
Till today, i know i still have this naive thinking. I know it becos, i think it is happening rite now.
Life's getting depress, maybe i shld rephrase, i am choosing to feel depress over life... my life to be exact. I dunno what i want (or do i - to be happy and financally stable?), dunno what to do now (or do i - sleeping/resting and preparing to work tmw?) .......
ARGH! Why cant i jus say i dunno anything, why cant i jus run and hide... why can't i be left alone for a while? WHY? WHY? WHY?
->I cant becos i do know what i want, i cant becos it wont help, i cant becos i am vexing myself.
So what now?
->Need to sort out my tots and focus, dun lump everything together and see it as a mountain, know that mountains are made out of rocks and soil... you can break it down and clear it little by little.
--- i wish i can be dependant on someone and to really be able to say i dunno. i'm tired and i'm scared, i think i am sick of my job and time has come for me to move on, but i am too afraid to move and has been using the company BOND as an excuse. But wat can i do if i resign now? Wat if i cant find a job, where am i going to find money to pay my bills? Is there anyone who is able to rescue me? i know...... i know... "No one can help me if i dun help myself rite?" Heard that a million times..... a million... billion... trillon times already......
Ok, i noe wishing doesnt help, cos it will not be fulfill by wishing. So, i'm going to bed, going to succumb to the thing call life...
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Check in UNO.... PRONTO!
Walking up to the blog counter, i lift my hand and slapped on the ringer... annoucing my arrival.
I come in my shades and baseball cap, mouthing the words "CHECK IN!"
Thats right all you broz, watch out! i'm one bored mean machine waiting to put u to Zzz-Land if u ever dare step yr finger upon tis weblog and another evil twin will wanna make u jumping off a building with her emotional outburst.
BEWARE! Dun u fall off yr chair! *mUaHaHaHaHa*
oki, that was not a great big banging opening, but who cares?!! At least i dun, i'm just one bored being that has decided to try blogging as my last desperate resort to release my loud tots and queries. Dun expect me to provide answers if you do comment, but BE EXPECTING to answer my QUESTIONS instead. Not to worry, i'll not be querying on long mathematical formulae on Laplace or Fouriers... and definitely nothing on Watson Watt Theorem.... i hear some mummering huh.... Fine.... then i shall just ask u questions like the meaning of life, dun u dare tell me its a mere reaction that caused a BIG BANG and VOILA! BEHOLD! The world is before us... Try something new oki....
Oh btw, you ppl who call me THE HOSTILE ONE ...................... DUN u ever call me tat!
*The stranger loner turns and heads for the lobby. The lift opens it doors with a BING-ing sound, as if its welcome her...*
Blog blog blogggggggggg~~~~~~~~~~
I come in my shades and baseball cap, mouthing the words "CHECK IN!"
Thats right all you broz, watch out! i'm one bored mean machine waiting to put u to Zzz-Land if u ever dare step yr finger upon tis weblog and another evil twin will wanna make u jumping off a building with her emotional outburst.
BEWARE! Dun u fall off yr chair! *mUaHaHaHaHa*
oki, that was not a great big banging opening, but who cares?!! At least i dun, i'm just one bored being that has decided to try blogging as my last desperate resort to release my loud tots and queries. Dun expect me to provide answers if you do comment, but BE EXPECTING to answer my QUESTIONS instead. Not to worry, i'll not be querying on long mathematical formulae on Laplace or Fouriers... and definitely nothing on Watson Watt Theorem.... i hear some mummering huh.... Fine.... then i shall just ask u questions like the meaning of life, dun u dare tell me its a mere reaction that caused a BIG BANG and VOILA! BEHOLD! The world is before us... Try something new oki....
Oh btw, you ppl who call me THE HOSTILE ONE ...................... DUN u ever call me tat!
*The stranger loner turns and heads for the lobby. The lift opens it doors with a BING-ing sound, as if its welcome her...*
Blog blog blogggggggggg~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, May 30, 2005
Somewhere in May, Somewhere in UK
Somewhere in UK
By chance we came upon to this magical cottage, that was as lovely as the fairy tales we heard when we were young.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
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